Do you remember when you were a teenager?  You probably recall lots of fun times hanging out with friends, playing, partying, and even having sleepovers.  The teenage years offered the benefits of increased independence without having to be fully self-sufficient.

As the parent of a teen you may now have a different perspective.  You see challenges to your authority escalate.  Teens no longer view you as the guardian of truth.  They think for themselves, and sometimes their conclusions challenge your values as a parent. They also sometimes break your rules for the sole purpose of demonstrating their independence. That produces a power struggle in which the teens’ need to challenge authority clashes with your parental need for control.

It’s the day after Valentine’s Day, and all through the house

The romance has withered, because of that louse.

How could he have done that?  I haven’t a clue.

But it all done now, time to bid adieu.

Is it all over, without a chance?

Are the feeling gone, without romance?

Is there no hope for a better future?

Can the heart be mended without a suture?

What shall we do?  What does it matter?

Is it just words, and idle pratter?

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, conflicts do not get resolved the way you wish.  Divorcing couples routinely say and do things they later regret. Parents and children become estranged.  Neighbors and friends may not speak to each other for years because of a perceived injustice.  Even minor misunderstandings can cause a rift.

The destructive anger may even persist when the source of the hurt is no longer present.  A parent may have died, the neighbor moved away.  The anger continues to divert emotional energy as you replay the situation over and over, perhaps seeking to remake the past with a better ending, perhaps as punishment to show your outrage at the offender’s actions.  Forgiveness creates a new reality to escape these negative feelings.

This is the second in a two part Series discussing why conflict is heightened during adolescence.  I encourage you to read part one at TheConflictWhisperer.com.  This part will discuss how to respond to adolescent behavior.

So what can we do about crazy adolescent behavior?

The first thing we can to is realize that testing limits is normal teenage development. It’s not about you so don’t take it personally. That’s easy for me to say, but let’s be real.  Have you ever tried not to take it personally?  Let’s say your teen refused to clean their room.  They just said “No”.  What is your initial response? “Don’t you dare speak to me that way, young lady!”  Right?
Are you telling yourself? ” I don’t have to take this! ”

This is the first of a two part series discussing why conflicts increase during adolescence.  Part two will discuss what parents can do about it.

I know of no situation that generates more conflict than parent-teen relations. Have you seen the bumper stickers,

Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.

Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your children.

Like an earthquake topples huge buildings, a child’s entrance into the teen years shakes the foundation of family tranquility!

Look at the sky on a crystal clear night far from the city lights.  What do you see?  The heavens are filled with twinkling stars.  If you are in the northern hemisphere, you can see the Big Dipper.  Maybe you can see the Milky Way and thousands of dimmer stars.  As time passes, the sun rises with glorious pink, yellow, and orange hews.  What do you see?  Now your attention is drawn to the magnificent sunrise.  Gradually you see the stars no more.  While the light of sunrise illuminates our way, enabling us to better see our path, it also blinds us to a different reality.  Which is real?

Jeremy’s teacher talks to him individually about his disruptive behavior in class.  He seems to settle down, but on his way back to his seat he mutters under his breath, “Bitch.”  What should she do?  If she ignores it, her authority is challenged.  But if she reacts to it, he has managed to continue to disrupt the classroom.

Frequently teachers and parents fall into the trap of responding to provocative comments made by children after they have already won the bigger battle.  The child is complying with the discipline but needs to save face in front of their peers  so they make a nasty comment in passing.  They are like  fishermen who throw out the line to reel you into a power struggle.  If you bite, you will end up in the frying pan!

One style of conflict management for all situations is no more appropriate than one style of clothing for all situations.  Just as you wouldn’t wear a bikini to your prom, or your wedding dress to work in the garden, your conflict resolution strategy must reflect the people and the situation engaged in the interaction.  Just as you wouldn’t carve a turkey with a chainsaw, you wouldn’t cut a tree with a carving knife.  You need to select the appropriate carving tool to accomplish your objectives.   People generally have a conflict resolution style that they prefer.  But that style needs to be modified to most effectively resolve the situation without making a mess.  Effective conflict resolution requires the flexibility to move between the different styles as the situation warrants.

Some people believe that, bullying is a harmless rite of passage that is a natural part of growing up. “Boys will be boys,” they say.  “A little adversity builds character.”  However, researchers find that 25% of bullies end up in jail by the time they are 30 years old! They also say that the victims frequently develop physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach pains, and have sleeping problems.  Some are afraid to go to school, go to the bathroom at school, and have trouble concentrating. Bullying is a big problem.  Fully 49% of students reported being bullied in the past month, while 30.8% reported that they bullied others.

When does the push for high standards for our children go over the top?

The cover story in the January 31, 2011 Time Magazine is titled “The Truth About Tiger Moms.”  I had not even heard of “Tiger Moms,” but apparently Amy Chua, has written a book advocating extremely high standards for children.  For example, when her daughter made her a birthday card, Amy threw it back at her stating, “I don’t want this,” because her daughter could do better.  In another example, Amy “forced her 7-year-old daughter Lulu to practice for hours on end-‘right through dinner into the night,’ with no breaks for water or even the bathroom, until at last Lulu learned to play … Little White Donkey” on the piano.  In schools, I hear the mantra that we must set high standards for our children, and that we are falling behind in academic rigor.  On-the-other-hand, I also know of many people who advocate praising our children for minimal performance to build their self-esteem.  Don’t criticize children, they say, or their morale will suffer.  Who is right?