One style of conflict management for all situations is no more appropriate than one style of clothing for all situations.  Just as you wouldn’t wear a bikini to your prom, or your wedding dress to work in the garden, your conflict resolution strategy must reflect the people and the situation engaged in the interaction.  Just as you wouldn’t carve a turkey with a chainsaw, you wouldn’t cut a tree with a carving knife.  You need to select the appropriate carving tool to accomplish your objectives.   People generally have a conflict resolution style that they prefer.  But that style needs to be modified to most effectively resolve the situation without making a mess.  Effective conflict resolution requires the flexibility to move between the different styles as the situation warrants.

Some people believe that, bullying is a harmless rite of passage that is a natural part of growing up. “Boys will be boys,” they say.  “A little adversity builds character.”  However, researchers find that 25% of bullies end up in jail by the time they are 30 years old! They also say that the victims frequently develop physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach pains, and have sleeping problems.  Some are afraid to go to school, go to the bathroom at school, and have trouble concentrating. Bullying is a big problem.  Fully 49% of students reported being bullied in the past month, while 30.8% reported that they bullied others.

When does the push for high standards for our children go over the top?

The cover story in the January 31, 2011 Time Magazine is titled “The Truth About Tiger Moms.”  I had not even heard of “Tiger Moms,” but apparently Amy Chua, has written a book advocating extremely high standards for children.  For example, when her daughter made her a birthday card, Amy threw it back at her stating, “I don’t want this,” because her daughter could do better.  In another example, Amy “forced her 7-year-old daughter Lulu to practice for hours on end-‘right through dinner into the night,’ with no breaks for water or even the bathroom, until at last Lulu learned to play … Little White Donkey” on the piano.  In schools, I hear the mantra that we must set high standards for our children, and that we are falling behind in academic rigor.  On-the-other-hand, I also know of many people who advocate praising our children for minimal performance to build their self-esteem.  Don’t criticize children, they say, or their morale will suffer.  Who is right?

I believe that those who behave honestly tend to trust others more than those who are dishonest.  Thus, someone who cheats on their spouse will be more likely to think that their spouse is cheating on them than someone who is faithful.  Someone who stretches the truth in business relationships will assume that others are also stretching the truth.  We tend to believe that others will act like us.

Does anyone know of any research to support or question this?

Watch for my upcoming book Don’t Carve the Turkey With a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict.

I delivered my manuscript on conflict management to the editor today.  The book should be released next year!

When presenting  concerns to others, many experts  encourage you to begin your presentations with specific facts rather than opinions. Disputes are rarely about getting the facts right.  They are almost always about our interpretations and values. While this seems simple enough,  I sometimes encounter confusion.  So let’s give some illustrations.  “You arrived home at 11” is a specific fact.   “You are late again” is more general, and therefore less effective.  “When you are late I worry about you” is a fact.  We may discuss whether I should worry (an opinion), but the fact is that I do worry.  “You make me worried” is an opinion.  What caused you to be worried is based on interpretation, not fact.  It may be the challenger’s actions, or your own neuroses that made you worry.  But “I am worried” is a fact.

Power struggles are highly complex.  They may be a one-time event, or ongoing soap opera. As any parent of more than one child knows, it is not always easy to determine when the power struggle began.  “Mom, she hit me” the brother complains. The sister may indeed have hit her brother, but she did so in response to her brother poking her.  Is that when the power struggle began or is he poking her because last week she tattled on him.  It is probably futile to determine when it began, and not really necessary. 

For many people, it is extremely difficult to develop sufficient self-control to remain calm as the conflict escalates in ever increasing emotion and volume .  I learned some valuable lessons when I joined the Colorado Mountain Club and took fly fishing lessons.  I learned that certain flies will work with some fish and not others, and what works may vary depending on the time of  year and what type of bugs are normally in the area.  I learned that flies that don’t work early in the day may work later the same day as the water warms up.  I also learned how to cast my line to get the lure where the fish are likely to be.  Finally, I learned how to set the hook to reel them in.  As I listened to these instructions I couldn’t help but think that fly fishing is very similar to dealing with conflict. Button pushing children and adults know what kind of barb to throw, when, and where to get you to bite.  They know how to set the hook to pull you in and how to land you.  They know that if they toss the hook late in the day when you are tired, they will get a different response than when you are rested. 

Did you see the Wall Street Journal this morning? On page D2 of the July 5, 2010 paper there is an article citing research done by Judith Owns which shows that delaying the start time of school from 8 to 8:30 cut tardiness in half, and reduced depression and irritability.  This further supports the comments I make on my website about delayed start times improving classroom behavior management.

We have a tendency to believe that unexpressed feelings will do no harm if they are not expressed, and there may be considerable risk to expressing our feelings about a topic of concern.  We could have our ideas rejected, or ostracized.  Even worse, a person we care about may reject us. Therefore, we hold it in.  There may be times when this is appropriate.  However, important unexpressed feeling rarely lay dormant.  Rather they ferment and turn into something far more potent and intense than the original concern.  Unexpressed feelings may creep into other conversations with that person in unintended ways.  Resentment may creep in through tone of voice, impatience, or tense reactions.  We may lose self-esteem, and chastise ourselves for not standing up for our interests.  Even more important, hidden feeling may block positive emotions.  It is more difficult to love someone when you resent what they do.  I am not suggesting here that we spill our guts and vent all our emotions.  I am suggesting that we carefully express our feelings as they relate to the problem without being judgmental.

I once knew a couple whose child did not find his homework the highlight of his day.  Each day they struggled to force him to do his homework.  They threatened him with no TV, and grounded him, but no amount of coercion could get him to do his homework.  Finally, after much bickering, he relented and answered the questions.   But what happened when he took the test at school the next day?  The teacher reported that he answered “D” on every multiple choice question.  Who really had the power?  How could it have been handled to obtain a more desirable solution?  Do you have similar situations?