Do you remember when you were a teenager?  You probably recall lots of fun times hanging out with friends, playing, partying, and even having sleepovers.  The teenage years offered the benefits of increased independence without having to be fully self-sufficient.

As the parent of a teen you may now have a different perspective.  You see challenges to your authority escalate.  Teens no longer view you as the guardian of truth.  They think for themselves, and sometimes their conclusions challenge your values as a parent. They also sometimes break your rules for the sole purpose of demonstrating their independence. That produces a power struggle in which the teens’ need to challenge authority clashes with your parental need for control.

It’s the day after Valentine’s Day, and all through the house

The romance has withered, because of that louse.

How could he have done that?  I haven’t a clue.

But it all done now, time to bid adieu.

Is it all over, without a chance?

Are the feeling gone, without romance?

Is there no hope for a better future?

Can the heart be mended without a suture?

What shall we do?  What does it matter?

Is it just words, and idle pratter?

Did you see the January 25, 2012 article, Meet the Marriage Killer, in the Wall Street Journal?  It points to nagging as a major problem in relationships.  While men may nag, it is more common for women to be the naggers they say.  But this doesn’t necessarily let men off the hook.  We must look beyond the nagging to determine why the nagging is occurring.  Sometimes it is because a man doesn’t give a clear response either because he doesn’t yet know the answer, or because he doesn’t want to disappoint her.  So what do we do about it?  Here are some of my ideas.  What do you think?

When it comes to relationships, some people give way to their partners in order to keep the peace and maintain the bonds of their partnership. They say, “I need to do whatever my partner decides, so we can maintain our relationship.” They may believe that they don’t have the right to disagree, or they are unworthy.  They may assume that being open about their feelings would leave them vulnerable. They may become convinced that they lack the skills or power to successfully resolve the problem. They hope that the problem with dissolve if they just wait it out.

Many people attempt to make the needed changes as the new year emerges.  But the only person who likes change is a baby in a wet diaper (Mark Twain).  The world is filled with good intentions without follow through. Only eight percent report that they keep their New Year’s resolutions!  That is not a very good track record. If you fall into the group that doesn’t keep them, I suspect that your good intentions are undermined by inadequate assessment of interferences that will impede your follow through. You know you need to change, but you don’t really examine what will keep you from achieving the new life you desire.

Today we witnessed a lose/lose situation as the US congress committee failed to agree to a deficit reduction plan in time to be passed by Wednesday.  What happened?  While I have no inside knowledge of the proceedings, based on newspaper accounts, it appears that both sides adopted a “competitive” style of conflict resolution. They were concerned about meeting their own goals no matter what.  Winning was everything.  As a result they lost big time.  In my book Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict, I state that competitive people typically ask for more than they expect to get, exaggerate the value of an concessions they make, while minimizing the value of concession conceded by their opponent.  Most competitive people do not experience their behavior as aggressive, coercive, or offensive.  Rather, they believe they are upholding their standards or protecting others.  Does this sound familiar?

I am starting to get feedback on my book Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict and the results are quite gratifying.  One unexpected development is that some people are having discussion groups centered on the book.  One couple has set aside a time each day to discuss their reading, and a supervisor is giving copies to her staff and intends to have discussions at work based on the book.  Wow, that’s fantastic!

How can your reunions be happy like this?

How are your holiday reunions?  Do you bring glad tidings of joy to your family relationships, or do you make Scrooge look like a joyrider?   What about those other people.  You know the ones.  Those relatives who always disrupt the event.  What can you do about them?  When you attend family reunions do you fall right back into the behavior patterns of your childhood?  Do ongoing parent and child relationships cause feuds and hostility in your family?  I have a friend who wasn’t invited to the family reunion because her brother’s spouse was angry at her.  If she came they would not attend.  Others groan and describe their reunion as something to be endured. Does that sound familiar?

Holiday reunions are like dogs at the dog park … Have you ever observed dogs at the dog park? Whenever a new dog arrives everyone gathers around to greet them, checks them out, sniff their butts, and then goes off to play with those they think will be the most fun. But there is one difference… Have you ever seen dogs get into a fight at the dog park? I haven’t. There might be an occasional snarl but then it’s over, settled, done. They move on. But humans hold grudges. Past grievances occur again and again. People get obnoxious. Sometimes people fall into childhood patterns that they hate. Of course, my family isn’t like that but…

Are you calm on the surface, and paddling for your life underneath?

In a recent blog article, Bob Tipton shows a picture of a swan.  The swan is calm on the surface, but TONS of paddling and busy-ness is happening below.   Sometimes our relationships appear the same way.  We appear calm and collected on the outside, but underneath we are churning!

Sometimes this happens in a love relationship when something is really bothering us, but we don’t want to confront the partner causing our grief?  We avoid the topic, or even worse, we avoid the person.  We are calm on the outside, but inside we are seething.  Furthermore, we don’t seem to be getting anywhere.  Nothing changes.