Dr. Roger Frame, award winning author & speaker
As families gather at this time of year, I am frequently asked how to resolve family conflicts. The dispute may focus on when and where to gather. Relatives may dredge up old hurts from the past, while others may just be obnoxious. What can we do to reduce these hassles to make the holidays more enjoyable?
Sometimes the same thorny issues keep coming up every year. What do I do to avoid it?
Most people typically get defensive and angry when someone challenges them. They intensely state why their challenger is misguided. But that hasn’t worked has it. Humorous comments can go a long way to diffusing thorny issues if done right. But be sure the humor is not an underhanded put down.
Will you encounter any conflict in your relationships over the holidays?
Would you like to talk so people listen and listen so people talk?
Would you like to zap conflict in your family now?
The 4 time award winning book, Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict will be officially launching Wednesday, Nov.14. On that day only, you may purchase the dispute resolution book through
The Living Now Book Awards just announced that Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict tied for the gold medal in the Family Parenting category. This is the fourth book award, the book has won in 2012! Other competitions the book won include:
The National Indie Excellence Award: Relationship category
The Sponsors Award: One of the top 8 books in all categories
The Global eBooks Award: Parenting Family Category.
- Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw
I am excited and humbled to announce that last week my book, Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict won the Global eBook Awards in the Parenting/Family Nonfiction category. This is the third national or international book award the book has received in 2012.
As an expert in conflict resolution, I still found myself searching for better ways to handle conflict, particularly when my son was a teenager. So I took a year to research the topic, finding subtle morsels of wisdom that might influence the outcome of important conversations. I began to practice them, tentatively at first, and then more confidently. I found that when I changed my approach, my discussion partner’s also changed even if they did not know the principles.
It is with profound sadness that I learned of Steven Covey’s recent death. As a cyclist, it is disturbing that complications from a bicycle accident were the cause. At this time of worldwide loss it may be appropriate to recall the seven habits of effective people.
- Be proactive: take initiative and responsibility
- Begin with the end in mind: clarify your values and goals
- Put first things first: prioritize
- Think win/win: strive for mutually beneficial solutions
- Seek first to understand then to be understood: listening to others first creates respect
As I write, the High Park fire burns 15-20 miles from our mountain house. This is the third largest fire in Colorado history and so far has burned 46,600 acres. Over 1,000 fire fighters are battling the blaze and it is only 10% contained.
It strikes me that wild fires and conflicts have a lot in common.
- Sometimes a small insignificant spark that has been smoldering for days sets off a horrendous blaze that destroys everything people have worked years to build.
- The heat rises as the fire builds, just as the conversation becomes heated during conflict.
I just received word that my book, Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict was a winner in The National Indie Excellence Book Awards. It won in the “Relationships” category, and also was one of eight which won a Sponsor’s Choice Prize. My prize was worth over $1,300.
My “Book Shepherd,” Dr. Judith Briles says, “NIE celebrates overall excellence, including design and promotional text, so that discerning readers know an NIEA winner or finalist is something special. What’s more, award announcements receive extensive media coverage you can leverage to your sales advantage.”
Relationships thrive on sincere questions, but whither in the face of interrogating questions. What is the difference?
Interrogating questions do no seek to clarify, they accuse. They are frequently statements disguised as questions.Like a policeman confronting a criminal under the blazing lights, they are designed to extract an confession of misbehavior. In response the accused will respond defensively.
Questions help us understand our partner’s beliefs and feelings. But what makes an effective question? Certainly, accusing or interrogating statement will make people defensive. But what does it take to sincerely learn about their interests? Here are some possibilities.
- What did or did not happen? e.g. “Did you complete your homework?
- How did your arrive at your conclusion?
- Clarify terminology: e.g. “What do you mean by uncooperative?”
- Clarify quantity: e.g. “When you say I always come home late, do you mean that there are no times I have been home on time?”