It turns out that people have different preference styles that influence how they work.  Some people have vivid imaginations and are great seeing the big picture.  They love change.  Others excel in implementing details.  They tend to be neat and orderly.  Rather than seeing the relationship of parts to the whole, they prefer to see things sequentially.  A third style is fascinated by numbers.  They like to analyze options.  They value people who are focused and to the point. They have little time for idle chit-chat.  The fourth style tends to be more emotional, and to value social interaction.  They may be more distracted if someone enters the room, but they excel at developing social networks.

Everyone functions with all four styles, but most  prefer one or two, maybe even 3 styles.  Preferences however, are not necessarily abilities.  Just because a person prefers to attend to details, does not mean that they have the ability to manage complex projects requiring attention to detail.

So what does this have to do with conflict resolution?  Just think about how  someone who wants to get to the point quickly will interact with someone who likes telling stories?  Consider how someone who values concrete facts, might interact with someone who relies on intuition?  Ponder what might happen when someone who thrives on social interaction is paired with someone who has no time for idle chit-chat.

 The Emergenetics® profile helps clarify personal preferences  to help teams function more effectively together.  When people more fully understand their teammate’s preferences, they are able to interact more effectively with them.  They no longer take certain behavior as a personal affront, but rather understand their partner’s preferred ways of operating.

Research shows that teams containing a variety of preference styles come to better solutions more quickly than those who all think alike.  Really, they do!  This is because the team can tap into each other’s strengths to develop solutions that address the needs from a variety of perspectives.  How do you organize your teams?  Does everyone think alike, or do you purposefully assign people with differing viewpoints to work on the same project?  How do you get them to work together to develop more creative programs that actually get implemented?

I have been trained to administer Emergenetics profiles.  If you would like to learn more how this profile can help your organization operate more efficiently, give me a call at 303-796-9656 or email me at reframe@comcast.net.  The profiles can be administered over the internet, and interpreted by phone if you are not in the Denver area.

On the other side are those who believe that all guns should be banned.  But the powerful lobbies respond that banning all guns would make people more vulnerable, and unable to protect themselves.  They point out that the second amendment guarantees the right to bear arms, and someone under the influence of drugs is unlikely to respond to rational discussion as they violate your rights.

Perhaps the most rational solution proposed was by someone who believed that we should build fingerprint technology into the trigger of the gun so the only person who could shoot the gun would be the gun owner, who presumably had passed background checks.  Of course, this would mean that the gun could not be used by your spouse if you were out of town when the burglar broke in.

We also need to consider the role of the media in portraying violence as a common and sometimes acceptable way to resolve disagreements.  Violent acts are the bread and butter of news segments every evening.  Prime time TV is dominated by shows that model violent problem solving strategies.  Action movies, and video games generally have violent plots, and we have known for over 40 years that people who participate in these activities tend to be more violent.  Of course others would say, “It is not guns that kill it is people that kill.”  This brings up the issue that the shooters have all had mental health issues.  Yet we have been decreasing funding for the mentally challenged for over 40 years.  However, many of the shooters had been under mental health care.

To get to the bottom of this complicated issue, we must ask what the shooters had to gain by their actions.  In Columbine, the shooters had been bullied.  Revenge is one possible reason.  Publicity is another.  In each case, all major news organizations follow the case for days, weeks, months.  You will be remembered if your act is shocking enough.  Another possibility is that they are in despair and do not know alternate ways to alleviate the pain.  If people die, then formerly happy people will understand their pain, even if they are not alive to witness it.

I was a school psychologist serving a school about 10 miles from Columbine High School when it happened.  We immediately locked down the school because we didn’t know whether this was a wider terrorist attack.  In response the school system formed 2 committees of safety experts ( with no mental health representation) to study the issue.  The final recommendations were to lock the school doors – a policy in force at Sandy Hook.  At the time I pointed out that a gunman would just shoot the lock off, but nobody listened.  Meanwhile access to the building for recess etc was restricted.

So what do we do?  A comprehensive solution is needed to address:

1. Restrictions that should be placed on guns that shoot more than 6 rounds in rapid succession.
2. Media portrayal of violence including TV news, programming, and video games
3. Access to mental health care
4. Large scale training to help people constructively resolve conflicts.

What do you think?  How would you address this situation?

Will you encounter any conflict in your relationships over the holidays?

Would you like to talk so people listen and listen so people talk?

Would you like to zap conflict in your family now?

The 4 time award winning book, Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict will be officially launching Wednesday, Nov.14.  On that day only, you may purchase the dispute resolution book through

HTTP://DontCarveTheTurkey.com

 When you purchase this book to avoid family feuds on November 14, you can redeem up to 20 prizes worth over $2,200.  You can be interviewed on a radio show and get the MP3 recording of it for your own website. You can get a $100 gift certificate for custom art you commission, or a $1,000 discount off a presentation by the author. You could  receive free personal coaching, or free eBooks on parenting, marriage, stress management,  and resolving family clashes.  All this, but you must purchase, Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict on November 14, 2012.

HTTP://DontCarveTheTurkey.com

In this book, I demonstrate how one style of conflict resolution for all situations is no more appropriate that one style of clothing for all situations.  Just as you wouldn’t wear your wedding dress to work in the garden or a tux to work in the garage you must vary your conflict resolution styles depending on the type of clash you are in.  I give a step-by-step process for effectively presenting your case, and I deliver a framework for asking effective questions.  The book provides concrete examples on how to parent, and includes a chapter describing why disputes escalate during the teen years and what to do about them.  I get rave reviews from those who have read this book on family communication.

Check it out.  Do not delay.  Order it now at HTTP://DontCarveTheTurkey.com

The Living Now Book  Awards just announced that Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict tied for the gold medal in the Family Parenting category.  This is the fourth book award, the book has won in 2012!  Other competitions the book won include:

The National Indie Excellence Award: Relationship category

The Sponsors Award: One of the top 8 books in all categories

The Global eBooks Award: Parenting Family Category.

It is truly gratifying that others are finding the guidance contained in this book to be an inspirational in their lives.  I hope this practical, common-sense approach will be as helpful to you as it has been for me.  May it help you to create the future you want!

Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw

I am excited and humbled to announce that last week my book, Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict won the Global eBook Awards in the Parenting/Family Nonfiction category. This is the third national or international book award the book has received in 2012.

As an expert in conflict resolution, I still found myself searching for better ways to handle conflict, particularly when my son was a teenager.  So I took a year to research the topic, finding subtle morsels of wisdom that might influence the outcome of important conversations.  I began to practice them, tentatively at first, and then more confidently.  I found that when I changed my approach, my discussion partner’s also changed even if they did not know the principles.

After the book was released, my twin brother raved about it.  But he asked, “How do I get my wife and daughter to read it?”  They were busy with other things.  I told him that it would be nice if they read it, but that he would see changes even if they did not read it as long as HE implemented the principles.  Why?  Because people respond to our communication style.  We cannot control them, but we can control ourselves.

When I present around the country, I frequently ask my audience to think of a time when someone gave them negative feedback and they left feeling good about it.  How does the good communicator present the information so they do not get defensive?  If your partner doesn’t get defensive, wouldn’t that change the whole discussion?

This book delivers powerful tips and procedures to deal with family conflict in an engaging, common sense, and often humorous way.  It considers 5 possible response styles, and when to use them.  It discusses how to talk so people will listen and listen so people will talk.  This includes strategies to make it safe for someone to really express what is on their mind.  The book also discusses the use of power; how you can gain power, and the impact if you abuse your power. Sometimes you may encounter stubborn people.  The book guides your responses to them.  It also enlightens us to the reasons conflict escalates during the teen years, and what to do about it.  Finally, things do not always go as we had planned.  Therefore, the book discusses effective apologies, and forgiveness.

To learn more about the book, or to order, click:

http://www.frameworks4learning.com/dont-carve-the-turkey-with-a-chainsaw.html

However, I think that a very real question should be “Why doesn’t this occur more often?”  We have known for 40-50 years that people will imitate what they see on TV and in the movies.  People who watch violence are more likely to engage in violence.  Does everyone who watches violence engage in violence?  No, it just increases the likelihood of violence occurring.  It is one component.

In order to light a fire you must have a source of heat, fuel, and oxygen.  If you take away any of these elements, there is no fire.  In order to have violent responses, you must have a person who believes that violence will either make the situation better or will vindicate some past hurt, who is motivated to act on those beliefs, and who has the ability and knowledge to carry out the plan.  Take away any one of those three components and violence will not occur.

Think of the TV shows and movies in the fifties.  How much violence did you see.  Think of the typical show now.  They teach that violence gets you what you want and they show you how to do it.  If you still don’t know how to do it, just check the internet for explicit instructions.  Who is really surprised that violence has increased?  Two of the three components are more accessible.

What about the third component?  In both Aurora and Columbine, the weapons were purchased legally.  They were readily available, so the third component was met; as long as they can hold a rifle, they have the ability.  With fast firing weapons, they don’t even need to know how to aim.  While the second amendment defends our right to bear arms, I truly do not understand how that applies to rapid firing  rifles.  Do we really believe that deer hunters are using them to kill their prey with 50 rounds?  I’d hate to clean that animal.  Do we really believe that we need rapid firing guns to protect our homes?  In case you miss the point, I once taught target shooting at a summer camp.  It can be a fun activity.  But our guns shot 1 bullet at a time, that required that the marksman actually take aim before they shoot.

I’d love to hear your feedback, as I suspect that everyone will not agree with me.

1. Be proactive: take initiative and responsibility
2. Begin with the end in mind: clarify your values and goals
3. Put first things first: prioritize
4. Think win/win: strive for mutually beneficial solutions
5. Seek first to understand then to be understood: listening to others first creates respect
6. Synergize: utilize people’s strengths to create great teamwork beyond what could be accomplished individually.
7. Sharpen the saw: balance and renew your resources.

I discuss numbers 4 and 5 in my book, Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict.  To create win/win solutions, you must understand your partner’s viewpoint.  Yet research show that most people only listen to their partner’s viewpoint 1% of the time.  Instead we listen only enough to defend our pre-established position.  Understanding your partner’s viewpoint requires good questioning and reflective listening.  How do you ask questions?  Does it come across as an interrogation or curious information seeking?  Once you understand their viewpoint you can present your own much more persuasively, because you can show how your needs and desires fit into their value system, so their needs also get met.

To review samples of my book go to http://www.frameworks4learning.com/dont-carve-the-turkey-with-a-chainsaw.html

As I write, the High Park fire burns 15-20 miles from our mountain house.  This is the third largest fire in Colorado history and so far has burned 46,600 acres.  Over 1,000 fire fighters are battling the blaze and it is only 10% contained.

It strikes me that wild fires and conflicts have a lot in common.

1. Sometimes a small insignificant spark that has been smoldering for days sets off a horrendous blaze that destroys everything people have worked years to build.
2. The heat rises as the fire builds, just as the conversation becomes heated during conflict.
3. Once it gets going, the fire shifts the wind to supply oxygen to the fire just as conflict causes our focus to shift to the perceived injustices we experience.  Everything is directed toward the conflict.
4. Fireballs jump from treetop to treetop igniting new areas, just as arguments jump from topic to topic inflaming new hurts.
5. The weather contributes to the intensity of the blaze just as the family or work climate impacts our relationships.
6. Fire and arguments can leave charred remains.
7. Preventive work, such as clearing brush near the house, reduces the harm that may be done, and eases the reconstruction just as work to build relationships during good times reduces the damage when the storm hits.  There is no guarantee there will be no damage, but what damage there is will be reduced.

What about you.  Are your relationships prepared for the fires of life?  Do you have someone to call when the blaze flares up?  Do you know how to fight the blaze?

Check out www.TheConflictWhisperer.com for more information to help combat conflict.  Sign up for important releases, or contact me at info@Frameworks4learning.com.

I’d love to hear of other analogies you may create between fires and conflict.

Sincerely,

Roger Frame, Ph.D.

The Conflict Whisperer(R)

303-796-9656

I just received word that my book, Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict was a winner in The National Indie Excellence Book Awards.  It won in the “Relationships” category, and also was one of eight which won a Sponsor’s Choice Prize.  My prize was worth over $1,300.

My “Book Shepherd,” Dr. Judith Briles says, “NIE celebrates overall excellence, including design and promotional text, so that discerning readers know an NIEA winner or finalist is something special.  What’s more, award announcements receive extensive media coverage you can leverage to your sales advantage.”

As I told my wife last night, I feel that this validates my work efforts for the past five years.

To review selections from this book click on this link:  http://www.frameworks4learning.com/dont-carve-the-turkey-with-a-chainsaw.html

Dr. Roger Frame, The Conflict Whisperer

Effective conflict resolution is really very similar to fly-fishing.  Think about the button-pushing children and adults who know just what to say or do to upset you.  They are like the fly-fisherman carefully selecting the best lure to hook you.  They have carefully chosen their words or deeds based on past experience.  They know where you are vulnerable and how you will react.  The more irresistible the lure is, the more likely you are to get hooked.  If you fall for it, you will end up sizzling in the skillet.

Good technique is important to the fly-fisherman.  YOU BEGIN BY DRAWING THE ROD BACK AWAY FROM YOUR TARGET, FOLLOWED BY A FORWARD THRUST.  A good communicator knows to learn about the other person’s interests before pushing your agenda.  If you pull away from your own desires long enough to listen and understand your partner’s interests, you will have a much more powerful cast to hit your mark and develop more satisfying relationships.  You will be more convincing because you can tie your needs to your partner’s interests.  However, you must also follow through and present your concerns or your needs will not be preserved.

The hook is also important.  If the hook, is too small, it will break and the fish will get away, just as someone who is not sufficiently assertive or lacks sufficient power will not attain their goal.  But if the hook is too large, the fish won’t bite, just as you tend to avoid coercive, punitive people.   It is amazing how small a hook is needed to land your fish when you attend to their interests.

Timing is crucial.  If you begin your forward arm movement too soon, you risk snapping the fly off the line.  But if you are too late, the fly rod loses power and the lure won’t reach its intended destination.  Similarly, if you respond too quickly, you are interrupting and the conversation get snapped off, but if you wait too long it appears that you are disinterested or inattentive and your conversation loses power.  Typically people wait about one second to respond.  This is like pulling the lure out of the water after one second.  It doesn’t give enough time for a thoughtful response.  Research shows that the quality and quantity of responses improves if we wait at least three to five seconds – and that can seem like eternity.

We must be brief.  In the river there is a brief period, as the lure drifts with the current and the line is slack, that the fish will be most interested.  Once the current pulls the line tight it is easier for the fish to tell that something is”fishy.”  In conflict, if you drone on and on, your partner will soon tune out.  While you need to leave your line in the water long enough to give reasons and hear your partner’s interests, don’t drone on.  Adolescents tell us that their parents lecture them too much.  Parents say the adolescents don’t listen.  They are both right because parents don’t keep their pitch brief.

So what should you do to improve your conflict resolution skills?  The Conflict Whisperer suggests:

• Learn what hooks you.  When you see it coming, smile, and let the current float the objectionable comment or action right on by.  Don’t bite the hook and end up in the skillet.”
• “ Use the smallest hook that will do the job.  Using excessive power will cause resentment, and backstabbing that will undermine your purpose.
• Perfect your timing.  Take the time to learn your partner’s interests, what they care about that is relevant to your situation, and then pitch your concerns in a way that addresses their interests.
• Give people sufficient time to respond with a thoughtful answer.  Wait five seconds before you respond.
• Be brief and don’t drone on and on repetitiously repeating yourself, or saying the same things over and over.

For a more extensive discussion of the fly-fishing/ conflict resolution connection check out Chapter 7 in The Conflict Whisperer’s book, Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict at:

http://www.frameworks4learning.com/dont-carve-the-turkey-with-a-chainsaw.html