Relationships thrive on sincere questions, but whither in the face of interrogating questions.  What is the difference?

Interrogating questions do no seek to clarify, they accuse.  They are frequently statements disguised as questions.Like a policeman confronting a criminal under the blazing lights, they are designed to extract an confession of misbehavior.  In response the accused will  respond defensively.

Questions help us understand our partner’s beliefs and feelings.  But what makes an effective question? Certainly, accusing or interrogating statement will make people defensive.  But what does it take to sincerely learn about their interests?  Here are some possibilities.

• What did or did not happen? e.g. “Did you complete your homework?
• How did your arrive at your conclusion?
• Clarify terminology: e.g. “What do you mean by uncooperative?”
• Clarify quantity: e.g. “When you say I always come home late, do you mean that there are no times I have been home on time?”

In a recent blog, Becky Celestine presents “9 Signs There’s a Bully in Your Midst.” See http://www.onlinemba.com/blog/9-signs-theres-an-office-bully-in-your-midst/

She points out that 46% of American workers say they have personally contended with workplace bullying in the past year and 13% suffer from it on a weekly basis! Wow! Since we know that bullying reduces productivity, and distracts not just the person being bullied, but also the bystanders, that is a lot of productivity down the drain.

So what do we do about it?

Did you see the interesting article posted on PsychCentral about 6 ways Men and Women Communicate differently? Richard Drobnick makes some interesting points. To summarize, he believes that a man focuses on solving a problem and only communicates what he considers to be relevant details needed to solve the problem. When he is listening he assumes that the person he is talking to is seeking his advice or assistance. He doesn’t like being told what to do, and when he is feeling down, he withdraws into his “cave”

I watched Celebrity Apprentice last night as Donald Trump destroyed the unity within two teams.  How did he do it?  While both teams worked well together, he demanded that each team pick one or two people to blame.  They protested, saying that all team members contributed.  Trump insisted that they pick a couple people to blame.  Naturally, the blamed person defended themselves and the bickering began.  When the women’s team leader tried to focus on the future, Trump shut her down.  Unity and harmonious relationships makes boring TV.

The Conflict Coaching Guild on LinkedIn is discussing How do you create “safe space”?  See link below.

http://www.linkedin.com/groupItem?view=&srchtype=discussedNews&gid=1401027&item=101504277&type=member&trk=eml-anet_dig-b_mc-ttl-cn&ut=1MNAn52lnuLR81

It is a good question because everyone wants a positive climate to live their lives, but for many, a safe space to live and work eludes them.  Judgmental colleagues and bosses inhibit honest expression of concerns.  Bullies and saboteurs wait to ambush them.  What can you do to make your living environment a safe place for honest expression?

In my book, Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict, I list nine strategies to promote emotional safety.

Do you remember when you were a teenager?  You probably recall lots of fun times hanging out with friends, playing, partying, and even having sleepovers.  The teenage years offered the benefits of increased independence without having to be fully self-sufficient.

As the parent of a teen you may now have a different perspective.  You see challenges to your authority escalate.  Teens no longer view you as the guardian of truth.  They think for themselves, and sometimes their conclusions challenge your values as a parent. They also sometimes break your rules for the sole purpose of demonstrating their independence. That produces a power struggle in which the teens’ need to challenge authority clashes with your parental need for control.

It’s the day after Valentine’s Day, and all through the house

The romance has withered, because of that louse.

How could he have done that?  I haven’t a clue.

But it all done now, time to bid adieu.

Is it all over, without a chance?

Are the feeling gone, without romance?

Is there no hope for a better future?

Can the heart be mended without a suture?

What shall we do?  What does it matter?

Is it just words, and idle pratter?

Did you see the January 25, 2012 article, Meet the Marriage Killer, in the Wall Street Journal?  It points to nagging as a major problem in relationships.  While men may nag, it is more common for women to be the naggers they say.  But this doesn’t necessarily let men off the hook.  We must look beyond the nagging to determine why the nagging is occurring.  Sometimes it is because a man doesn’t give a clear response either because he doesn’t yet know the answer, or because he doesn’t want to disappoint her.  So what do we do about it?  Here are some of my ideas.  What do you think?