**Disclaimer**
Any articles, comments you post may be used for examples in books, lectures, & etc. that Dr. Frame may produce. However, Dr. Frame respects your privacy, so your identity will not be disclosed in such cases.

 

Patterns of Violence

Tuesday 2 Mar 2010 by Frameworks4Learning | No Comments
Filed under: Frameworks4Learning, Interpersonal Conflict, Workplace Bullying Tags:

I recently encountered some interesting information on violence.  According to Vivian & Langhinrichen-Rohling, (1994) 85% of couples say physical aggression goes both ways, so there is frequently a counter-attack.   Stets & Henderson (1991) also found that, in intmate male-female relationships, the woman is 14 times more likely than the man to throw something and 15 times more likely to slap.  Of course, women suffer far more injuries when physical aggression does occur.

Conflict Response Styles

Wednesday 24 Feb 2010 by Frameworks4Learning | No Comments
Filed under: Frameworks4Learning, Interpersonal Conflict, Workplace Bullying Tags: ,

I recently received permission to use the following table in an upcoming book I am writing and on this blog.  Ken Thomas’ table illustrates the five options we have for responding to conflict.  The options depend on how much we must have our own needs met, and how much the other person must have their needs met. A competitive person will attempt to prevail in an argument even at the other person’s expense.  Winning is everything, but often results in damaged relationships!  However, it may be the best option when time is short, and important decisions must be made. The collaborative person, on the-other-hand, is concerned with meeting both their needs and those of the other person.  This style generally results in the most creative solutions, but it takes time and effort, and a commitment from both parties to work at it.  It is most desirable when a continuing relationship is expected (e.g. marriage, business partners).  Compromise is different from collaboration in that neither party fully gets their needs met.  Both give up something.  Accommodation, where the other person’s need are placed before one’s own, is familiar to many parents who make sacrifices for ther children.  When the issue is not important to you and it is important to the other person, accommodation may be appropriate.  While avoidance frequently leads to fermenting issues which eventually build up pressure and explode,  the avoiding style may be appropriate to use when there is absolutely no chance of settlement, and the issue is not that important.

Thomas' Conflict Response Options reprinted with permission

While people frequently have a preferred strategy, actual behavior may vary according to the situation.  A competitive person, for example, may decide that an issue isn’t that important to them, so they may adopt an accomodating attitude for that situation. 

The neat thing about this table, is that it presents options for responding to a variety of situations.  Just as one size may not fit all, one response style does not fit all situations.  I’ll be writing more about this soon.

Conflict Cliche’s

Thursday 21 Jan 2010 by Frameworks4Learning | No Comments
Filed under: Frameworks4Learning

I am writing a book on conflict management, and am wondering what cliche’s people  use to discuss conflict.  Examples might be “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”, or “don’t hit a girl.”  Anyone have any other they’d like to share?

Bedtime hassles for teen son

Tuesday 29 Dec 2009 by Frameworks4Learning | No Comments
Filed under: Frameworks4Learning, Interpersonal Conflict Tags: , ,

Dear Dr. Frame:

I can’t get my teenage son, John, to bed at a reasonable time.  My evening always ends with a fight with him that leaves me frazzled, and furious.  What can I do?

Eloise

_________

Hi Eloise,

You don’t state what age John is or how late he stays up.  As a general rule, teenagers need about 8 hours of sleep to function well.  However, few of them get that much.  One reason is that certain chemicals in the brain take longer kick in during adolescence delaying the time adolescents get sleepy.  At the same time high schools typically start earlier for adolescents so the teens can engage in sports, jobs, and extracurricular activities after school. Frequently adolescents who go to bed late also have difficulty getting up in the morning, resulting in another fight.  Another characteristic of typical adolescents is that they like to be in charge of their life.

With this information in mind, one successful way to address bedtime fights is to give your son the choice of when he goes to bed within certain parameters, with the agreement that whatever time he chooses, he must get up in time to get to school without a hassle.  It is likely that the first night he will choose a bedtime that is too late for him to arise refreshed in the morning.  In the morning, you can sympathize with his plight, but remind him that it was his choice, and perhaps he will need to go to bed earlier the next night.  It may take several nights before he finds the time that is right for him, but you have avoided the fight each night, and he is learning self-control.

Dr. Frame

“My boss repeatedly puts me down in front of other people and discounts my ideas.”

Monday 28 Dec 2009 by Frameworks4Learning | No Comments
Filed under: Frameworks4Learning, Workplace Bullying Tags: , , ,

Dear Dr. Frame,

My boss repeatedly puts me down in front of other people and discounts my ideas.  I need the job, and other jobs are scarce in my area.  What should I do?

Valerie

—————

Hi Valerie,

This is an example of workplace bullying.  If it continues, workplace bullying can adversely affect your health leading to depression, irritability, loss of sleep, etc.  The target frequently feels betrayed not only by the bullying attacks but also by the lack of support from their peers.  Good managers know to discuss concerns one-on-one to reduce defensiveness.  Since this is not happening, we should ask ourselves why he/she would choose to ostracize you in public. Perhaps nobody has taught them appropriate management skills.  More likely, they feel inadequate themselves, and put others down to establish their own relative importance.  There may be many other reasons as well.

We also need to honestly assess what capabilities and support network you have available to combat the problem.  Do you have supportive colleagues, friends, and family?  Many bullied targets are not sufficiently assertive to challenge their boss (although this is a skill that can be developed).  If you have the ability to ask your boss in a nonthreatening manner how they could provide negative feedback to you in private, consider it, but first develop your support network and discuss your strategy with your network.

Bullying is really a system problem.  We may need to determine if higher administration can be enlisted to help modify the behavior and prevent it in the future. If you plan to involve higher administration, you will want to gather specific information about dates, what was said, and the context.  Gather this information in a diary as soon after it happens as possible.  (Then, IN YOUR MIND, thank them for providing you with such great evidence.)  If you have truly determined that there will be little support from others, and the criticism is unjustified, you will need to tell yourself that you are not to blame,  (targets frequently blame themselves for the bullying) and start developing a support network wherever you can to find support.