I once met at restaurant manager who was quite proud of his “Machiavellian” approach to management.  He felt that his employees needed a touch of fear to operate optimally.  He let them know in no uncertain terms when their work did not meet his standards, and was careful NOT to establish a relationship with his employees.  However, he confided that he was frustrated and perplexed by a waitress who had worked at the restaurant before he had taken the job as manager.  She continually did as little work as possible, and seemed to engage in a work slow-down whenever he was around.  He thought she was unmotivated and angry because she wanted his job and didn’t get it.  It did not occur to him that her behavior might be a reaction to his fear oriented tactics.  Since she could not discuss her concerns with him directly, she retaliated with the guerrilla warfare tactics of a work slow-down.

The restaurant manager’s predicament is not that unusual.  Managers typically spend 20% of their time resolving conflict and 85% of workers report conflicts at work!  In personal relationships, we know that dissatisfied couples are more coercive and attacking and three times more likely to escalate an argument and focus on power strategies than satisfied couplesWe also know that the way married couples interact in the first minute of conflict will predict whether or not they will stay together 96% of the time.

How did you learn your conflict management skills?  Probably from your parents, colleagues, friends.  Do they work for you?  I’d be happy to commentin my blog on situations you may be facing.

[ii] Bergmann & Volkema, 1994

[iii] Billings, 1979

[iv] Alberts & Driscoll, 1992

[v] Gottman, 1999