Think about a situation when someone gave you negative feedback, and you did NOT feel attacked, humiliated or defensive.

What was it like?

Why were you able to absorb the potentially threatening feedback so well?

Chances are that you felt safe and respected by the person giving the negative feedback.  You probably felt that they had your best interests at heart, even though you may not have liked what they said.  They were not saying things to hurt you, or to advance their own ajenda.  They were giving constructive feedback in a way which respected your needs and feelings.

I live near the continental divide.   Rain or snow falling on the west flows to the Pacific Ocean, while precipitation falling on the east flows to the Mississippi River.   A difference of mere inches creates vastly different outcomes.  Similarly, very small differences in our communication patterns can generate vastely different results.  Consider the statement ” I love your new dress.”  When stated sincerely, it generally will result in a positive response, but just change the intonation slightly to a sarcastic statement and the response to  ”I love your dress” becomes quite different.  Sincerety and respect are crucial.  Demonstrating that you care about the needs of your “partner in debate” goes a long way toward defusing interpersonal conflict, whether or not you agree with their perspective.  How can you show that you care about them, before you advocate for your needs?