Marital relationships which do not share power are doomed to failure, but the person who is least invested in the relationship has the most power.  They simply have less to loose if the relationship goes sour. Wilmot & Hocker (2007) say, “…within the confines of an ongoing relationship, maximization of individual power is counterproductive for both the higher-power and lower-power parties.  The unrestrained maximization of individual power leads to damaged relations, destructive moves, more destructive countermoves, and the eventual ending of the relationship.”

Sometimes it is even difficult to determine who holds the power.  Some people in powerful positions are puppets for others who really call the shots.  Traditionally, the husband was declared the “head of the household”, while many wives really ran the home.  Sometimes power is displayed more forcefully in ways that appear weak, as witnessed by the nonviolent strategies of Gandi and Martin Luther King.  Just because people hold similar power doesn’t mean they will apply it in the same way.  Some powerful people easily share power, while others hoard it.  Some see how their interactions are interrelated and influenced by others, while others perceive that they operate independently, the self-made man/woman.  Some people perceive that they are powerful when they are not, while others do not see the power that they hold.  Each of these will dramatically affect how the drama of power struggles plays out.

Cameron & Whetton (1995) found a curvilinear relationship between amount of power exercised and effectiveness.  You will be ineffective influencing situations if you lack any power.  As that power increases, your effectiveness also increases up to a point, but beyond that point your effectiveness rapidly DECREASES.  When too much power is applied people become resentful and rebel.  They fight back, disobey, argue, or go underground and sabotage your efforts. If they must comply, they do the least amount possible as slowly as possible.  Have you ever seen children respond this way?  What about adults?  People in a high power positions,  actually may be more influential if they recognize the interdependence between partners, and show restraint by not using all their power!

Give Them a Voice by Providing a Choice

Wilmot & Hoicker, (2007) say, the paradox is that the more you struggle against someone, the LESS power you have with that person.   Fey & Funk (1995) put it differently “Control is like love.  The more you give away, the more you get in return…We either give control on our terms or the kids will take it on theirs.”  Give control away to get it.  That sounds crazy and will lead to anarchy… or will it?  I am not advocating that we abdicate all power.  There is a curvilinear relationship so you must retain some control.  In my presentations I do a demonstration where I ask audience members to hold their hand steady as I push against it.  As I push harder they must push back harder just to maintain their position.  As I ease my pressure, they cease to push back.  Research[ii] has repeatedly shown that shared control enhances general levels of cooperation.   Giving people choices and ownership of their decisions actually gives you more control.  Why? Because those who have no control will spend most of their time trying to get it while people with some control over their life will spend little time trying to gain more.  That is why this paradox is true.

 To illustrate this point, let’s look at my early attempts to get my son to mow the lawn and how that changed when I gave choices.  I first asked my son to mow the lawn saying “The lawn needs mowing,” he responded, “I’m getting ready to leave with my friends right now.”   He always had reasons why he couldn’t mow the lawn.  I later modified my strategy to give him a choice, along with a call to action by asking him, “When can you mow the lawn before Sunday?” my son said, “I’ll do it Saturday afternoon,” delaying as long as possible.  Thursday came and went, and the lawn wasn’t mowed.  Friday came and went and the lawn wasn’t mowed.  I had to bite my tongue all week to avoid nagging him.  I felt like my tongue should be wrapped in gauze, but I said nothing. Saturday came and I was getting worried.  About ten minutes before we’d need to set up the flood lights to illuminate the lawn, out came the lawn mower and the grass was cut as promised without nagging. What was the difference?  I gave him some control.  That control came with limits; he had to have it done before Sunday.  But he could choose when he wanted to get it done within those limits.

Frequently, I see parents,  teachers and other adults “win” a conflict and get the child to comply with their request only to lose it as the child leaves muttering under their breath nasty things about them.  Of course, the child knows exactly which hook to throw and how to land them so the adult takes the hook and demands “What did you say!” and the conflict resumes. We see the same thing among friends and lovers who hurl insults at each other.  They know which insults will hurt the most.   They know just what intonation and nonverbal gestures will generate a strong reaction. They know that they can get to you more easily when you are tired.

Avoid Premature Judgments.   I also learned why fly fishermen generally fish in streams rather than lakes.  In streams the river current will quickly take the bait away so the fish only have a few seconds to examine the bait and decide whether or not to bite. On a lake however, the fish can take all the time they need to swim around the lure and examine it.  You too are more likely to get hooked when you are suddenly ambushed with unexpected demands.  But if you can back off and withhold judgment until you have had time to examine how your interests interact with those of your challenger, you will be less likely to get hooked. 

When you see yourself getting hooked into conflict, and feel the emotions rising, imagine that you are the fish, and they are the fisherman.  Recognize that if you take the bait, they win and you will soon be in the frying pan.  I find that when I can recognize the bait for what it is, I can relax, perhaps silently chuckle at the manipulation, and regain my self-control so that I remain calm.  And when I become calm, they also eventually calm down.  When that happens, the nature of the whole conversation shifts into dialog where both parties can listen to the others interests and concerns and develop win/win solutions.

Good luck avoiding the frying pan!

The restaurant manager’s predicament is not that unusual.  Managers typically spend 20% of their time resolving conflict and 85% of workers report conflicts at work!  In personal relationships, we know that dissatisfied couples are more coercive and attacking and three times more likely to escalate an argument and focus on power strategies than satisfied couplesWe also know that the way married couples interact in the first minute of conflict will predict whether or not they will stay together 96% of the time.

How did you learn your conflict management skills?  Probably from your parents, colleagues, friends.  Do they work for you?  I’d be happy to commentin my blog on situations you may be facing.

[ii] Bergmann & Volkema, 1994

[iii] Billings, 1979

[iv] Alberts & Driscoll, 1992

[v] Gottman, 1999

Conflict Management in the Home

Conflict Management in the Workplace

Conflict Management at School

Which would you prefer that I make my first priority?

What was it like?

Why were you able to absorb the potentially threatening feedback so well?

Chances are that you felt safe and respected by the person giving the negative feedback.  You probably felt that they had your best interests at heart, even though you may not have liked what they said.  They were not saying things to hurt you, or to advance their own ajenda.  They were giving constructive feedback in a way which respected your needs and feelings.

I live near the continental divide.   Rain or snow falling on the west flows to the Pacific Ocean, while precipitation falling on the east flows to the Mississippi River.   A difference of mere inches creates vastly different outcomes.  Similarly, very small differences in our communication patterns can generate vastely different results.  Consider the statement ” I love your new dress.”  When stated sincerely, it generally will result in a positive response, but just change the intonation slightly to a sarcastic statement and the response to  ”I love your dress” becomes quite different.  Sincerety and respect are crucial.  Demonstrating that you care about the needs of your “partner in debate” goes a long way toward defusing interpersonal conflict, whether or not you agree with their perspective.  How can you show that you care about them, before you advocate for your needs?

Thomas' Conflict Response Options reprinted with permission

While people frequently have a preferred strategy, actual behavior may vary according to the situation.  A competitive person, for example, may decide that an issue isn’t that important to them, so they may adopt an accomodating attitude for that situation. 

The neat thing about this table, is that it presents options for responding to a variety of situations.  Just as one size may not fit all, one response style does not fit all situations.  I’ll be writing more about this soon.

My boss repeatedly puts me down in front of other people and discounts my ideas.  I need the job, and other jobs are scarce in my area.  What should I do?

Valerie

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Hi Valerie,

This is an example of workplace bullying.  If it continues, workplace bullying can adversely affect your health leading to depression, irritability, loss of sleep, etc.  The target frequently feels betrayed not only by the bullying attacks but also by the lack of support from their peers.  Good managers know to discuss concerns one-on-one to reduce defensiveness.  Since this is not happening, we should ask ourselves why he/she would choose to ostracize you in public. Perhaps nobody has taught them appropriate management skills.  More likely, they feel inadequate themselves, and put others down to establish their own relative importance.  There may be many other reasons as well.

We also need to honestly assess what capabilities and support network you have available to combat the problem.  Do you have supportive colleagues, friends, and family?  Many bullied targets are not sufficiently assertive to challenge their boss (although this is a skill that can be developed).  If you have the ability to ask your boss in a nonthreatening manner how they could provide negative feedback to you in private, consider it, but first develop your support network and discuss your strategy with your network.

Bullying is really a system problem.  We may need to determine if higher administration can be enlisted to help modify the behavior and prevent it in the future. If you plan to involve higher administration, you will want to gather specific information about dates, what was said, and the context.  Gather this information in a diary as soon after it happens as possible.  (Then, IN YOUR MIND, thank them for providing you with such great evidence.)  If you have truly determined that there will be little support from others, and the criticism is unjustified, you will need to tell yourself that you are not to blame,  (targets frequently blame themselves for the bullying) and start developing a support network wherever you can to find support.