I recently received permission to use the following table in an upcoming book I am writing and on this blog.  Ken Thomas’ table illustrates the five options we have for responding to conflict.  The options depend on how much we must have our own needs met, and how much the other person must have their needs met. A competitive person will attempt to prevail in an argument even at the other person’s expense.  Winning is everything, but often results in damaged relationships!  However, it may be the best option when time is short, and important decisions must be made. The collaborative person, on the-other-hand, is concerned with meeting both their needs and those of the other person.  This style generally results in the most creative solutions, but it takes time and effort, and a commitment from both parties to work at it.  It is most desirable when a continuing relationship is expected (e.g. marriage, business partners).  Compromise is different from collaboration in that neither party fully gets their needs met.  Both give up something.  Accommodation, where the other person’s need are placed before one’s own, is familiar to many parents who make sacrifices for ther children.  When the issue is not important to you and it is important to the other person, accommodation may be appropriate.  While avoidance frequently leads to fermenting issues which eventually build up pressure and explode,  the avoiding style may be appropriate to use when there is absolutely no chance of settlement, and the issue is not that important.

Thomas' Conflict Response Options reprinted with permission

While people frequently have a preferred strategy, actual behavior may vary according to the situation.  A competitive person, for example, may decide that an issue isn’t that important to them, so they may adopt an accomodating attitude for that situation. 

The neat thing about this table, is that it presents options for responding to a variety of situations.  Just as one size may not fit all, one response style does not fit all situations.  I’ll be writing more about this soon.