More specifically, Dr. Owens maintains that biological changes in teenager’s circadian rhythms along with school activities and homework mean that teens have difficulty falling asleep before 11 PM.  By moving the start time back 30 minutes students in a private boarding school actually increased their sleep by 45 minutes a night so that 54.7% of the students received at least 8 hours of sleep compared to 16.4% before the change.  This resulted in “daytime sleepiness” dropping from 49.1% to 20%, depression or unhappiness dropping from 66% to 45%, and feeling irritated or annoyed dropping from 84% to 63%!  The nice thing about using a boarding school is that they had more control over the bedtime.  I wonder why they did not report how this change affected the student’s grades.  This would be easy data to collect, even now after the fact.

I find the 45% “unhappy or depressed”, and the 63% “irritated or annoyed” figures to be concerning, but not surprising.  This does not reflect a happy state of affairs with our teenagers even with the delayed start time. 

The original article can be found in the July, 2010 issue of Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine.

It turns out that power is like the current in a rapidly flowing river.  It is fluid and constantly changing.  One minute you are in charge of what happens, and the next you are left wondering what happened.  If you don’t believe me, just ask a politician, or the parent of an adolescent.  White water kayakers know this.  The current on the outside of a curve flows faster than it does on the inside of the curve.  The current behind a large rock actually flows upstream!  If you have the skill, you can use the upstream current to your advantage to rest behind the rock, or effortlessly wait for others to join you.  But there is a tricky transition point in the river where the downstream current meets the upstream current behind the rock.    If you don’t know what you are doing, or don’t anticipate it, you will capsize when you cross the line where the currents change.  Small adjustments are the difference between success and failure.  Similarly, we all have the ability to anticipate conflict and power struggles that we encounter in the currents of everyday living.  If we are flexible and know how to use the current to our advantage, we can create an exhilarating ride on the white waters of life.  If we fail to learn effective conflict resolution strategies, and don’t effectively deal with the challenging cross currents of our life, the ride can be turbulent indeed!  Is it worth the time to learn to effectively deal with interpersonal conflict?

The restaurant manager’s predicament is not that unusual.  Managers typically spend 20% of their time resolving conflict and 85% of workers report conflicts at work!  In personal relationships, we know that dissatisfied couples are more coercive and attacking and three times more likely to escalate an argument and focus on power strategies than satisfied couplesWe also know that the way married couples interact in the first minute of conflict will predict whether or not they will stay together 96% of the time.

How did you learn your conflict management skills?  Probably from your parents, colleagues, friends.  Do they work for you?  I’d be happy to commentin my blog on situations you may be facing.

[ii] Bergmann & Volkema, 1994

[iii] Billings, 1979

[iv] Alberts & Driscoll, 1992

[v] Gottman, 1999

Conflict Management in the Home

Conflict Management in the Workplace

Conflict Management at School

Which would you prefer that I make my first priority?

Ways for Teachers to Build Relationships

• Where safe to do so, post pictures of your family, friends, dog, or of students doing something outside of schoool.  When I rented condos, I had owners post family pictures in the units to reduce damage.  It worked because people viewed the rental unit as some’s home, and took better care of it.  Similarly, posting pictures of you doing something outside of class, establishes you as a person, not just an authority figure.

• Greet students at the door with sincere questions or nonjudgemental observations that show you are interested in them.  (“I noticed that you seem down today”,  “Great game last night”)

• Handshake, High 5, How are you, Hello.

• Smile:  don’t wait until you feel good , smile and good feelings will follow.

• Give a problem student 2 minutes where you express an interest in them, not about school work, for 10 days.

• At the beginning of the first class period have the students write their favorite TV show, music group, sport, etc.  Then relate your lessons to this information

• Send notes of appreciation when appropriate.  Priasing high school students in front of their peers may backfire (teacher’s pet), but a small note quietly slipped to them can show that they are appreciated.

  • “You are focusing really well”

  • “Hang in there.  The period is almost over”

  • “Thanks for coming to class.  I miss you when you are gone”

• Ask student’s opinions.  Students often feel powerless.  They will be more cooperative if we can give them power. 

• Give choices.  a study showed that homework completion increased substantially when students were given the choice of doing the odd or the even problems from 1-40 rahter than being told to do problems 1-20. 

• Play their music occasionally, but.be sure you understand lyrics and they are acceptable for school.

• Acknowledge personal imperfections.

• Attend or Chaperone after- school events, and interact with the student .

• Thank them for cooperating even before they have done so.

• Comment on unusual writing or drawings

• Think aloud

• Create nicknames

  • SAM = Successful, Able, Mature
  •  
• Provide adequate wait time when asking questions.  Typically, teachers  wait only 1 second before they comment to help the student, or ask another student to respond. Mendler says to  wait at least 10 seconds.  We find that student responses improve, and we get greater participation when we wait longer, but you may need to count to 10 to resist the urge to jump in too quickly.
•  
• Eat lunch in cafeteria with disconnected student
•  

• Comment on their mood

• Notice their absence with phone, email,  or note

• Post inspirational messages

  •  “I can’t control the wind, but I can adjust my sails”

  • “Stuff happens, but I don’t have to step  in it”

  • “Failure is good because it shows me one more way that doesn’t work”
• Protect them from disrespectful behavior (e’g’ bullying)

• Laugh and have fun together

• Make sure you have at least 4 positive to 1 negative comments to that student.

What was it like?

Why were you able to absorb the potentially threatening feedback so well?

Chances are that you felt safe and respected by the person giving the negative feedback.  You probably felt that they had your best interests at heart, even though you may not have liked what they said.  They were not saying things to hurt you, or to advance their own ajenda.  They were giving constructive feedback in a way which respected your needs and feelings.

I live near the continental divide.   Rain or snow falling on the west flows to the Pacific Ocean, while precipitation falling on the east flows to the Mississippi River.   A difference of mere inches creates vastly different outcomes.  Similarly, very small differences in our communication patterns can generate vastely different results.  Consider the statement ” I love your new dress.”  When stated sincerely, it generally will result in a positive response, but just change the intonation slightly to a sarcastic statement and the response to  ”I love your dress” becomes quite different.  Sincerety and respect are crucial.  Demonstrating that you care about the needs of your “partner in debate” goes a long way toward defusing interpersonal conflict, whether or not you agree with their perspective.  How can you show that you care about them, before you advocate for your needs?

Parent A

Child:  “Why can’t I go to the party?  All the kids will be there”

Parent: “All the kids won’t be there because you won’t be there.”

C: “That’s not fair.  Give me one good reason why I can’t go.”

P “Because I said so”

C:”That is not a good reason, it’s unfair.”

P: “I’m the parent and I say you can’t go.”

C:”I’m going anyway and you can’t stop me.”

P: (Getting angry) You go, and you are in BIG trouble.”

C: “What are you going to do, put me in jail?”

Parent B:

C: “Why can’t I go to the party?  All the kids will be there”

P: “I can see that you might feel left out when many of your friends will be at the party.  Tell me why it is so important to be at this party.”  (Identify their feelings, solicit their interests, and reframe “all” to “many”)

C: “All the “IN” crowd will be there.  Besides, if I’m not there everyone will think I’m still a wus.”

P: “So you believe that if you don’t go to this party, your friends will reject you forever.”

C: “Not forever, but I need to be there.”

P: “Will the parents be home, and can I have their phone number?”

C: “I don’t know, but I don’t want you calling them to spy on me.”

P: “I am very concerned that there will be drinking and drugs at the party.  While I trust you, I don’t trust some of the other kids, and you can’t control what they will do.” (Give reasons)

C: “If I was going to drink or use drugs there would be plenty of opportunities at school, but you MAKE me go there.”

P: “I know you’ll be disappointed, but you can’t go.”

(C) Roger Frame, 2010