It turns out that power is like the current in a rapidly flowing river.  It is fluid and constantly changing.  One minute you are in charge of what happens, and the next you are left wondering what happened.  If you don’t believe me, just ask a politician, or the parent of an adolescent.  White water kayakers know this.  The current on the outside of a curve flows faster than it does on the inside of the curve.  The current behind a large rock actually flows upstream!  If you have the skill, you can use the upstream current to your advantage to rest behind the rock, or effortlessly wait for others to join you.  But there is a tricky transition point in the river where the downstream current meets the upstream current behind the rock.    If you don’t know what you are doing, or don’t anticipate it, you will capsize when you cross the line where the currents change.  Small adjustments are the difference between success and failure.  Similarly, we all have the ability to anticipate conflict and power struggles that we encounter in the currents of everyday living.  If we are flexible and know how to use the current to our advantage, we can create an exhilarating ride on the white waters of life.  If we fail to learn effective conflict resolution strategies, and don’t effectively deal with the challenging cross currents of our life, the ride can be turbulent indeed!  Is it worth the time to learn to effectively deal with interpersonal conflict?

What was it like?

Why were you able to absorb the potentially threatening feedback so well?

Chances are that you felt safe and respected by the person giving the negative feedback.  You probably felt that they had your best interests at heart, even though you may not have liked what they said.  They were not saying things to hurt you, or to advance their own ajenda.  They were giving constructive feedback in a way which respected your needs and feelings.

I live near the continental divide.   Rain or snow falling on the west flows to the Pacific Ocean, while precipitation falling on the east flows to the Mississippi River.   A difference of mere inches creates vastly different outcomes.  Similarly, very small differences in our communication patterns can generate vastely different results.  Consider the statement ” I love your new dress.”  When stated sincerely, it generally will result in a positive response, but just change the intonation slightly to a sarcastic statement and the response to  ”I love your dress” becomes quite different.  Sincerety and respect are crucial.  Demonstrating that you care about the needs of your “partner in debate” goes a long way toward defusing interpersonal conflict, whether or not you agree with their perspective.  How can you show that you care about them, before you advocate for your needs?

Parent A

Child:  “Why can’t I go to the party?  All the kids will be there”

Parent: “All the kids won’t be there because you won’t be there.”

C: “That’s not fair.  Give me one good reason why I can’t go.”

P “Because I said so”

C:”That is not a good reason, it’s unfair.”

P: “I’m the parent and I say you can’t go.”

C:”I’m going anyway and you can’t stop me.”

P: (Getting angry) You go, and you are in BIG trouble.”

C: “What are you going to do, put me in jail?”

Parent B:

C: “Why can’t I go to the party?  All the kids will be there”

P: “I can see that you might feel left out when many of your friends will be at the party.  Tell me why it is so important to be at this party.”  (Identify their feelings, solicit their interests, and reframe “all” to “many”)

C: “All the “IN” crowd will be there.  Besides, if I’m not there everyone will think I’m still a wus.”

P: “So you believe that if you don’t go to this party, your friends will reject you forever.”

C: “Not forever, but I need to be there.”

P: “Will the parents be home, and can I have their phone number?”

C: “I don’t know, but I don’t want you calling them to spy on me.”

P: “I am very concerned that there will be drinking and drugs at the party.  While I trust you, I don’t trust some of the other kids, and you can’t control what they will do.” (Give reasons)

C: “If I was going to drink or use drugs there would be plenty of opportunities at school, but you MAKE me go there.”

P: “I know you’ll be disappointed, but you can’t go.”

(C) Roger Frame, 2010

I can’t get my teenage son, John, to bed at a reasonable time.  My evening always ends with a fight with him that leaves me frazzled, and furious.  What can I do?

Eloise

_________

Hi Eloise,

You don’t state what age John is or how late he stays up.  As a general rule, teenagers need about 8 hours of sleep to function well.  However, few of them get that much.  One reason is that certain chemicals in the brain take longer kick in during adolescence delaying the time adolescents get sleepy.  At the same time high schools typically start earlier for adolescents so the teens can engage in sports, jobs, and extracurricular activities after school. Frequently adolescents who go to bed late also have difficulty getting up in the morning, resulting in another fight.  Another characteristic of typical adolescents is that they like to be in charge of their life.

With this information in mind, one successful way to address bedtime fights is to give your son the choice of when he goes to bed within certain parameters, with the agreement that whatever time he chooses, he must get up in time to get to school without a hassle.  It is likely that the first night he will choose a bedtime that is too late for him to arise refreshed in the morning.  In the morning, you can sympathize with his plight, but remind him that it was his choice, and perhaps he will need to go to bed earlier the next night.  It may take several nights before he finds the time that is right for him, but you have avoided the fight each night, and he is learning self-control.

Dr. Frame