Marital relationships which do not share power are doomed to failure, but the person who is least invested in the relationship has the most power.  They simply have less to loose if the relationship goes sour. Wilmot & Hocker (2007) say, “…within the confines of an ongoing relationship, maximization of individual power is counterproductive for both the higher-power and lower-power parties.  The unrestrained maximization of individual power leads to damaged relations, destructive moves, more destructive countermoves, and the eventual ending of the relationship.”

Sometimes it is even difficult to determine who holds the power.  Some people in powerful positions are puppets for others who really call the shots.  Traditionally, the husband was declared the “head of the household”, while many wives really ran the home.  Sometimes power is displayed more forcefully in ways that appear weak, as witnessed by the nonviolent strategies of Gandi and Martin Luther King.  Just because people hold similar power doesn’t mean they will apply it in the same way.  Some powerful people easily share power, while others hoard it.  Some see how their interactions are interrelated and influenced by others, while others perceive that they operate independently, the self-made man/woman.  Some people perceive that they are powerful when they are not, while others do not see the power that they hold.  Each of these will dramatically affect how the drama of power struggles plays out.

Cameron & Whetton (1995) found a curvilinear relationship between amount of power exercised and effectiveness.  You will be ineffective influencing situations if you lack any power.  As that power increases, your effectiveness also increases up to a point, but beyond that point your effectiveness rapidly DECREASES.  When too much power is applied people become resentful and rebel.  They fight back, disobey, argue, or go underground and sabotage your efforts. If they must comply, they do the least amount possible as slowly as possible.  Have you ever seen children respond this way?  What about adults?  People in a high power positions,  actually may be more influential if they recognize the interdependence between partners, and show restraint by not using all their power!

Give Them a Voice by Providing a Choice

Wilmot & Hoicker, (2007) say, the paradox is that the more you struggle against someone, the LESS power you have with that person.   Fey & Funk (1995) put it differently “Control is like love.  The more you give away, the more you get in return…We either give control on our terms or the kids will take it on theirs.”  Give control away to get it.  That sounds crazy and will lead to anarchy… or will it?  I am not advocating that we abdicate all power.  There is a curvilinear relationship so you must retain some control.  In my presentations I do a demonstration where I ask audience members to hold their hand steady as I push against it.  As I push harder they must push back harder just to maintain their position.  As I ease my pressure, they cease to push back.  Research[ii] has repeatedly shown that shared control enhances general levels of cooperation.   Giving people choices and ownership of their decisions actually gives you more control.  Why? Because those who have no control will spend most of their time trying to get it while people with some control over their life will spend little time trying to gain more.  That is why this paradox is true.

 To illustrate this point, let’s look at my early attempts to get my son to mow the lawn and how that changed when I gave choices.  I first asked my son to mow the lawn saying “The lawn needs mowing,” he responded, “I’m getting ready to leave with my friends right now.”   He always had reasons why he couldn’t mow the lawn.  I later modified my strategy to give him a choice, along with a call to action by asking him, “When can you mow the lawn before Sunday?” my son said, “I’ll do it Saturday afternoon,” delaying as long as possible.  Thursday came and went, and the lawn wasn’t mowed.  Friday came and went and the lawn wasn’t mowed.  I had to bite my tongue all week to avoid nagging him.  I felt like my tongue should be wrapped in gauze, but I said nothing. Saturday came and I was getting worried.  About ten minutes before we’d need to set up the flood lights to illuminate the lawn, out came the lawn mower and the grass was cut as promised without nagging. What was the difference?  I gave him some control.  That control came with limits; he had to have it done before Sunday.  But he could choose when he wanted to get it done within those limits.

Frequently, I see parents,  teachers and other adults “win” a conflict and get the child to comply with their request only to lose it as the child leaves muttering under their breath nasty things about them.  Of course, the child knows exactly which hook to throw and how to land them so the adult takes the hook and demands “What did you say!” and the conflict resumes. We see the same thing among friends and lovers who hurl insults at each other.  They know which insults will hurt the most.   They know just what intonation and nonverbal gestures will generate a strong reaction. They know that they can get to you more easily when you are tired.

Avoid Premature Judgments.   I also learned why fly fishermen generally fish in streams rather than lakes.  In streams the river current will quickly take the bait away so the fish only have a few seconds to examine the bait and decide whether or not to bite. On a lake however, the fish can take all the time they need to swim around the lure and examine it.  You too are more likely to get hooked when you are suddenly ambushed with unexpected demands.  But if you can back off and withhold judgment until you have had time to examine how your interests interact with those of your challenger, you will be less likely to get hooked. 

When you see yourself getting hooked into conflict, and feel the emotions rising, imagine that you are the fish, and they are the fisherman.  Recognize that if you take the bait, they win and you will soon be in the frying pan.  I find that when I can recognize the bait for what it is, I can relax, perhaps silently chuckle at the manipulation, and regain my self-control so that I remain calm.  And when I become calm, they also eventually calm down.  When that happens, the nature of the whole conversation shifts into dialog where both parties can listen to the others interests and concerns and develop win/win solutions.

Good luck avoiding the frying pan!

It turns out that power is like the current in a rapidly flowing river.  It is fluid and constantly changing.  One minute you are in charge of what happens, and the next you are left wondering what happened.  If you don’t believe me, just ask a politician, or the parent of an adolescent.  White water kayakers know this.  The current on the outside of a curve flows faster than it does on the inside of the curve.  The current behind a large rock actually flows upstream!  If you have the skill, you can use the upstream current to your advantage to rest behind the rock, or effortlessly wait for others to join you.  But there is a tricky transition point in the river where the downstream current meets the upstream current behind the rock.    If you don’t know what you are doing, or don’t anticipate it, you will capsize when you cross the line where the currents change.  Small adjustments are the difference between success and failure.  Similarly, we all have the ability to anticipate conflict and power struggles that we encounter in the currents of everyday living.  If we are flexible and know how to use the current to our advantage, we can create an exhilarating ride on the white waters of life.  If we fail to learn effective conflict resolution strategies, and don’t effectively deal with the challenging cross currents of our life, the ride can be turbulent indeed!  Is it worth the time to learn to effectively deal with interpersonal conflict?

The restaurant manager’s predicament is not that unusual.  Managers typically spend 20% of their time resolving conflict and 85% of workers report conflicts at work!  In personal relationships, we know that dissatisfied couples are more coercive and attacking and three times more likely to escalate an argument and focus on power strategies than satisfied couplesWe also know that the way married couples interact in the first minute of conflict will predict whether or not they will stay together 96% of the time.

How did you learn your conflict management skills?  Probably from your parents, colleagues, friends.  Do they work for you?  I’d be happy to commentin my blog on situations you may be facing.

[ii] Bergmann & Volkema, 1994

[iii] Billings, 1979

[iv] Alberts & Driscoll, 1992

[v] Gottman, 1999

Thomas' Conflict Response Options reprinted with permission

While people frequently have a preferred strategy, actual behavior may vary according to the situation.  A competitive person, for example, may decide that an issue isn’t that important to them, so they may adopt an accomodating attitude for that situation. 

The neat thing about this table, is that it presents options for responding to a variety of situations.  Just as one size may not fit all, one response style does not fit all situations.  I’ll be writing more about this soon.