The restaurant manager’s predicament is not that unusual.  Managers typically spend 20% of their time resolving conflict and 85% of workers report conflicts at work!  In personal relationships, we know that dissatisfied couples are more coercive and attacking and three times more likely to escalate an argument and focus on power strategies than satisfied couplesWe also know that the way married couples interact in the first minute of conflict will predict whether or not they will stay together 96% of the time.

How did you learn your conflict management skills?  Probably from your parents, colleagues, friends.  Do they work for you?  I’d be happy to commentin my blog on situations you may be facing.

[ii] Bergmann & Volkema, 1994

[iii] Billings, 1979

[iv] Alberts & Driscoll, 1992

[v] Gottman, 1999

What was it like?

Why were you able to absorb the potentially threatening feedback so well?

Chances are that you felt safe and respected by the person giving the negative feedback.  You probably felt that they had your best interests at heart, even though you may not have liked what they said.  They were not saying things to hurt you, or to advance their own ajenda.  They were giving constructive feedback in a way which respected your needs and feelings.

I live near the continental divide.   Rain or snow falling on the west flows to the Pacific Ocean, while precipitation falling on the east flows to the Mississippi River.   A difference of mere inches creates vastly different outcomes.  Similarly, very small differences in our communication patterns can generate vastely different results.  Consider the statement ” I love your new dress.”  When stated sincerely, it generally will result in a positive response, but just change the intonation slightly to a sarcastic statement and the response to  ”I love your dress” becomes quite different.  Sincerety and respect are crucial.  Demonstrating that you care about the needs of your “partner in debate” goes a long way toward defusing interpersonal conflict, whether or not you agree with their perspective.  How can you show that you care about them, before you advocate for your needs?

My boss repeatedly puts me down in front of other people and discounts my ideas.  I need the job, and other jobs are scarce in my area.  What should I do?

Valerie

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Hi Valerie,

This is an example of workplace bullying.  If it continues, workplace bullying can adversely affect your health leading to depression, irritability, loss of sleep, etc.  The target frequently feels betrayed not only by the bullying attacks but also by the lack of support from their peers.  Good managers know to discuss concerns one-on-one to reduce defensiveness.  Since this is not happening, we should ask ourselves why he/she would choose to ostracize you in public. Perhaps nobody has taught them appropriate management skills.  More likely, they feel inadequate themselves, and put others down to establish their own relative importance.  There may be many other reasons as well.

We also need to honestly assess what capabilities and support network you have available to combat the problem.  Do you have supportive colleagues, friends, and family?  Many bullied targets are not sufficiently assertive to challenge their boss (although this is a skill that can be developed).  If you have the ability to ask your boss in a nonthreatening manner how they could provide negative feedback to you in private, consider it, but first develop your support network and discuss your strategy with your network.

Bullying is really a system problem.  We may need to determine if higher administration can be enlisted to help modify the behavior and prevent it in the future. If you plan to involve higher administration, you will want to gather specific information about dates, what was said, and the context.  Gather this information in a diary as soon after it happens as possible.  (Then, IN YOUR MIND, thank them for providing you with such great evidence.)  If you have truly determined that there will be little support from others, and the criticism is unjustified, you will need to tell yourself that you are not to blame,  (targets frequently blame themselves for the bullying) and start developing a support network wherever you can to find support.