As the parent of a teen you may now have a different perspective.  You see challenges to your authority escalate.  Teens no longer view you as the guardian of truth.  They think for themselves, and sometimes their conclusions challenge your values as a parent. They also sometimes break your rules for the sole purpose of demonstrating their independence. That produces a power struggle in which the teens’ need to challenge authority clashes with your parental need for control.

Dealing with teenagers will be easier if we offer choices.  That’s right, giving them some control increases your control, and makes them less likely to rebel.  Instead of saying, “John mow the lawn right now!”  you might say, “John, the lawn needs to be mowed by Saturday night.  When can you get it done?”  Do you see how that is less confrontational, and shows more respect for them and their time?

Communication with teens can also be improved if you learn to not take conflict with them personally. Understand that teenagers’ complicated behavior is a part of the normal growth and maturation process will help us diffuse some of our own emotions and find a path to conflict resolution.  While we tend to view adolescents as more emotional than adults, the truth is that they don’t necessarily have excess emotions; they just lack the ability to regulate them. Generally speaking, teens are not totally mature, but they aren’t totally irresponsible either.  Their behavior varies depending on the situation. Even though their desires to take risks and seek stimulation begin increasing, their capacity to pay attention, set their priorities, and consider consequences develops more slowly.  In fact, it does not completely develop until their mid-twenties, when the frontal cortex of their brain is fully developed. The conflict emerges when we expect consistency from our teenagers and become upset when we don’t receive it.

It’s the day after Valentine’s Day, and all through the house

The romance has withered, because of that louse.

How could he have done that?  I haven’t a clue.

But it all done now, time to bid adieu.

Is it all over, without a chance?

Are the feeling gone, without romance?

Is there no hope for a better future?

Can the heart be mended without a suture?

What shall we do?  What does it matter?

Is it just words, and idle pratter?

How can we put Humpty back together again?

And tap the love that lies herein?

What can I say that will make amends?

What can I say that will make us friends?

Maybe I should listen instead of shout.

Maybe I should wait and hear him out.

Maybe I should try to understand

His point of view, rather than demand.

Maybe I should give reasons for what I say

So our time together will know a better day.

What’s the alternative, if I do not budge?

I could hold on to my anger, and hold a grudge.

Or I could offer forgiveness, acknowledge my sorrow

And pray for grace and a better tomorrow.

Roger Frame 2-15-2012

(“She” may be substituted for “He” if that is more meaningful to you.  There is no intention of gender bias.)

First, admit that there is a problem.  Then look at how each of you interprets the situation. The woman generally believes she is helping her man by reminding him, while he feels pressured to follow her plan on her time schedule. He resents it.  This can be reduced if the woman gives reasons why it is important to finish the task by a certain time.  Now it is no longer an arbitrary demand.  It is also helped if he gets real about how long it will take to accomplish the task.  I’m not talking about how long it will take if everything goes according to plan,  I’m talking about the real world where interruptions occur and unforeseen complications arise.  Early in my marriage I would promise to get things done by a certain time, but it always seemed to take longer than expected.  I soon learned to double my estimate, and she never seemed to get upset if I finished it early.

Another strategy to reduce the nagging is to allow the person doing the work to set the time when the work will be completed (within limits).  Instead of demanding that the room needs to be painted by next Sunday, ask when he can get the work done.  If there are reasons why it needs to be done within a certain deadline, include those reasons.

Then hold your tongue and agree not to nag until the selected date has passed.  Don’t be surprised if he pushes the limit.  As long as it is complete one second before the deadline, no nagging is permitted on that topic.  You may be biting your tongue so much you need to wrap it in gauze.  No nagging.

Finally,  address the underlying interpretations you are placing on the behavior.

I welcome your feedback on how these suggestions work for you.

Roger Frame, Ph.D.

The Conflict Whisperer

But is that reality?  While there are times that conflict should be avoided, often avoiding conflict leads to frustration, resentment and increased hostility.  It is like a volcano.  As the emotions remain unexpressed, the pressure gradually builds inside.  Nobody else may notice that the pressure is building, but one day something sets it off, and varoom, the top blows.

Do you know people who excessively react to small irritations?  Sometimes this is because they are doing all they can to hold in that explosive energy.  They are the volcano waiting to blow.  They don’t want to confront the situation.  Ironically, the more they hold it in, the more explosive they become.  The solution is to gradually reduce the pressure by discussing concerns in a safe environment.  If it is not safe to directly confront the person with your concerns, find a professional therapist who can help.

For example, you may have the intent to reduce credit card debt, but it is unlikely to happen unless you thoroughly examine what influences you to buy.

• Perhaps you buy more when you window shop, or are with friends? If so, you may want to socialize with different activities or locations. What should you substitute for window-shopping?

• Perhaps you buy in response to Internet pop-up ads? In this case, you need to turn on your pop-up blocker to limit the ads you receive.

• Perhaps your use of credit cards reduces your perception of cost? You may need to make it more difficult to spend by paying cash for purchases.

Different people have different reasons for buying. You need to find and reduce the triggering events so the temptation to buy is reduced. By consciously analyzing those things that interfere with success, you increase your ability to achieve the results you want.

This season, don’t just make New Year’s resolutions.  Examine what will interfere with accomplishing them, and plan how you will overcome the challenges.

I once toured the St Louis Arch.  As I rode up the cramped elevator, I could feel the arch swaying in the wind.  This did not make me feel very secure.  However, a security guard informed me that the arch was built to sway in the wind. If there was no flexibility, it would snap.  The same holds true for trees.  If they lack sufficient strength, they will just flop over in the wind.  But if they have no flexibility, they easily snap in the wind.  In the hurricane of this financial crisis, a rigid tree won’t have a chance.  It will snap.  It appears that congress has snapped.

In addition to my website, the book is now available on Amazon, and the MarketPlace in Lakewood, CO.  In addition, The Tattered Cover Bookstore has decided to carry it.  The ebook edition should be out in a couple weeks.  Let me know if you know of other outlets who might be interested.

Don't Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict

How can your reunions be happy like this?

How are your holiday reunions?  Do you bring glad tidings of joy to your family relationships, or do you make Scrooge look like a joyrider?   What about those other people.  You know the ones.  Those relatives who always disrupt the event.  What can you do about them?  When you attend family reunions do you fall right back into the behavior patterns of your childhood?  Do ongoing parent and child relationships cause feuds and hostility in your family?  I have a friend who wasn’t invited to the family reunion because her brother’s spouse was angry at her.  If she came they would not attend.  Others groan and describe their reunion as something to be endured. Does that sound familiar?

Each relationship is an interaction.  If you want to change it, start by looking at what YOU can do.  I know you are saying,”but they are the problem.”  That may be true, but you have more control over your behavior than their behavior, what can you do to break the pattern?  Assuming someone else is disruptive, you might begin by  asking yourself:

• Why do they behave that way? What do they have to gain by their disruptive behavior?
• How should I present my concerns?

Last Christmas my wife and I were traveling in New Zealand. Most of the people on the tour were there to avoid being with family over the holidays. How sad is that? As a Mental Health Counselor, I know that depression increases for many people over the holidays. It increases! People see close family relationships all around them and they long for what they are missing.

I once kept a quote on my desk to remind me. “If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got.” If you want the same relationships as you have, keep doing what you are doing, but if you want a change, you must change how you deal with it. I can hear you thinking, but they are the ones with the problem! You are thinking that aren’t you? That may be true, but you are the only one you can change… and if you are lucky, maybe they will respond differently to your altered way of responding

Next week I will discuss what you can do to minimize conflict and create family harmony. Join The Conflict Whisperer for Part 2. His book Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict provides even more answers. Check it out.

The Conflict Whisperer

Are you calm on the surface, and paddling for your life underneath?

In a recent blog article, Bob Tipton shows a picture of a swan.  The swan is calm on the surface, but TONS of paddling and busy-ness is happening below.   Sometimes our relationships appear the same way.  We appear calm and collected on the outside, but underneath we are churning!

Sometimes this happens in a love relationship when something is really bothering us, but we don’t want to confront the partner causing our grief?  We avoid the topic, or even worse, we avoid the person.  We are calm on the outside, but inside we are seething.  Furthermore, we don’t seem to be getting anywhere.  Nothing changes.

What is a love relationship anyway?  Can you be close to your partner if they don’t know what you are thinking, or is that really a fraudulent relationship?  Isn’t the cornerstone of a relationship, trust?  I am not suggesting that you need to be brutally honest and point out your partner’s every flaw.  There are times when silence is golden.  I am suggesting that unresolved critical issues will give you grief, and you need to learn how to resolve conflict.

As Bob points out in his blog, “Suffering Can Have a Silver Lining” we are most motivated to change when things are not going well.  After all, why change when things are going well?  Is it time for you to change?

For more relationship advice from The Conflict Whisperer, check out his newly released book,  *Don’t Carve the Turkey With a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict.”