It turns out that people have different preference styles that influence how they work.  Some people have vivid imaginations and are great seeing the big picture.  They love change.  Others excel in implementing details.  They tend to be neat and orderly.  Rather than seeing the relationship of parts to the whole, they prefer to see things sequentially.  A third style is fascinated by numbers.  They like to analyze options.  They value people who are focused and to the point. They have little time for idle chit-chat.  The fourth style tends to be more emotional, and to value social interaction.  They may be more distracted if someone enters the room, but they excel at developing social networks.

Everyone functions with all four styles, but most  prefer one or two, maybe even 3 styles.  Preferences however, are not necessarily abilities.  Just because a person prefers to attend to details, does not mean that they have the ability to manage complex projects requiring attention to detail.

So what does this have to do with conflict resolution?  Just think about how  someone who wants to get to the point quickly will interact with someone who likes telling stories?  Consider how someone who values concrete facts, might interact with someone who relies on intuition?  Ponder what might happen when someone who thrives on social interaction is paired with someone who has no time for idle chit-chat.

 The Emergenetics® profile helps clarify personal preferences  to help teams function more effectively together.  When people more fully understand their teammate’s preferences, they are able to interact more effectively with them.  They no longer take certain behavior as a personal affront, but rather understand their partner’s preferred ways of operating.

Research shows that teams containing a variety of preference styles come to better solutions more quickly than those who all think alike.  Really, they do!  This is because the team can tap into each other’s strengths to develop solutions that address the needs from a variety of perspectives.  How do you organize your teams?  Does everyone think alike, or do you purposefully assign people with differing viewpoints to work on the same project?  How do you get them to work together to develop more creative programs that actually get implemented?

I have been trained to administer Emergenetics profiles.  If you would like to learn more how this profile can help your organization operate more efficiently, give me a call at 303-796-9656 or email me at reframe@comcast.net.  The profiles can be administered over the internet, and interpreted by phone if you are not in the Denver area.

I recently made a presentation for an organization that was having conflict among it’s clerical staff.  We used a combination of whole brain preferences and generational differences to understand the source of the conflict.

The generations have grown up in very different worlds and this affects their expectations and approaches to problems.  For example, Millennials (born 1980-2000) ability to problem solve was affected by “helicopter parents” who solved all their problems for them.  The “helicopter parents” came from a generation of “latch key children” whose parents were frequently not available.  The Millennials grew up with much of their day structured by school and after school activities that are closely supervised by adults.  If you don’t know how to do something you check the internet, or ask a friend or supervising adult.  The Baby Boomers (born 1946-1964) however, had far fewer supervised activities at the elementary school level.  After school you  played in the back yard with your friends.  If you didn’t know how to do something you couldn’t check the internet, you tried to figure it out on your own.

The generations also have a very different approaches to work.  The Baby Boomers live to work.  They are frequently workaholics, striving to get ahead in the world.  If work requires staying late to complete a project they do it.  The Millennials however have observed their parents work ethic and decided that it is not worth the cost.  They work to live.  They want a balance between their work and play.  They have little loyalty to the employer because the employer has little loyalty to them.  Lay-offs, and outsourcing have taught them that employers will not hesitate to replace them should economic conditions change. The Millennials have learned that flexibility and the ability to acquire new skills quickly is important.

Baby Boomers grew up accepting a top down management style while Millennials expect a team approach.  The Baby Boomers respect for authority is substantially reduced among Millennial’s.  Furthermore, Millennials are constantly engaged with their friends by texting, tweeting, Facebook etc.  It is no wonder that conflict arises when the generations interact.

So what do we do about it.  I have some solutions, but first, I’d love to hear about your experiences and what has worked and bombed for you.  I’d love to hear from you.

Dr. Roger Frame, award winning author & speaker

As families gather at this time of year, I am frequently asked how to resolve family conflicts.  The dispute may focus on when and where to gather.  Relatives may dredge up old hurts from the past, while others may just be obnoxious.  What can we do to reduce these hassles to make the holidays more enjoyable?

Sometimes the same thorny issues keep coming up every year.  What do I do to avoid it?
Most people typically get defensive and angry when someone challenges them.  They intensely state why their challenger is misguided.  But that hasn’t worked has it. Humorous comments can go a long way to diffusing thorny issues if done right.  But be sure the humor is not an underhanded put down.

When someone makes a nasty comment, you could also say,  “I am curious what makes you want to keep bringing that up?”  Keep it short, and try to avoid the sarcasm.  You are honestly curious why a reasonable, rational, intelligent person would keep raising old hurts.  What do they have to gain from bringing it up?

If the controversy is deep you may want to discuss the situation in private before the family gathering without others present (unless you need others for safety).  Having the discussion alone helps reduce defensiveness because there is no audience to entertain and it is easier to preserve dignity without bystanders present. Try to identify the unresolved underlying issue that causes the issue to keep coming up. What is the core value that is being threatened?  Is someone being judgmental about a lifestyle they do not support?  What makes that so important to them?  Try playing Detective Columbo asking questions to truly understand why a reasonably intelligent rational person would believe as they do.  That doesn’t mean you need to agree with them.  It just means that you understand where they are coming from.  Is it something you really need to agree on, or can you agree to disagree?  If you disagree, I like the phrase, “That’s an interesting perspective.”  Once you understand their perspective, ant they understand your perspective,  propose ways to behave the would not disrupt the family gathering.

Some relatives are just obnoxious.  What do I do about them? 

First of all, realize that you are not likely to change them in a weekend. When people really push your button try not to take it personally.  Learn what buttons they push to trigger your reaction.  Then learn to control YOUR reaction.  That is easy to say but not to do.  Here are some tips.

• Imagine that you are a fish. They are fishing for a response and just threw you the lure to catch you and land you in the frying pan.  Will you bite, or will you let the bait float harmlessly by?  How you respond is your choice not theirs.
• Play detective Columbo and ask yourself why it is in their best interest to act obnoxiously.  What do they get out of it?  Then be sure they don’t get it.
• Imagine that you are watching a drama production unfold.  An interesting plot line needs some sort of conflict to make it interesting.  Detach yourself from the situation and watch how they try to manipulate you.  Enjoy the show.  Try not to take it personally.

Some topics can be counted on to create a battle; politics, religion, hair are just a few.  How do we handle those?

Most families have volcano topics.   But some topics really do not need to be resolved, you just agree to disagree.  Politics and religion are frequent flash points.  When I was growing up, the length of a man’s hair caused conflict in many families.  Other fashion flash point include whether  men should wear ear rings, or tattoos.  Are these really crucial to our happiness?

Sometimes a person regrets what they have done.  They made a mistake.  How can they make their apology credible?

There are 4 components to a genuine apology.

• Express genuine regret and remorse
• Express awareness of the harm caused
• Acknowledge responsibility
• Show intent to change future behavior.

A genuine apology might look like this.  “I’m sorry I was late.  I know that you must have been worried, and it delayed you getting to your meeting on time.  I should have allowed more time to get here.  It won’t happen again.”

I hope these suggestions will provide a starting point for you to enhance your family relationships.  Let me know what conflicts your family encounters, and what you think about these suggestions.

On the other side are those who believe that all guns should be banned.  But the powerful lobbies respond that banning all guns would make people more vulnerable, and unable to protect themselves.  They point out that the second amendment guarantees the right to bear arms, and someone under the influence of drugs is unlikely to respond to rational discussion as they violate your rights.

Perhaps the most rational solution proposed was by someone who believed that we should build fingerprint technology into the trigger of the gun so the only person who could shoot the gun would be the gun owner, who presumably had passed background checks.  Of course, this would mean that the gun could not be used by your spouse if you were out of town when the burglar broke in.

We also need to consider the role of the media in portraying violence as a common and sometimes acceptable way to resolve disagreements.  Violent acts are the bread and butter of news segments every evening.  Prime time TV is dominated by shows that model violent problem solving strategies.  Action movies, and video games generally have violent plots, and we have known for over 40 years that people who participate in these activities tend to be more violent.  Of course others would say, “It is not guns that kill it is people that kill.”  This brings up the issue that the shooters have all had mental health issues.  Yet we have been decreasing funding for the mentally challenged for over 40 years.  However, many of the shooters had been under mental health care.

To get to the bottom of this complicated issue, we must ask what the shooters had to gain by their actions.  In Columbine, the shooters had been bullied.  Revenge is one possible reason.  Publicity is another.  In each case, all major news organizations follow the case for days, weeks, months.  You will be remembered if your act is shocking enough.  Another possibility is that they are in despair and do not know alternate ways to alleviate the pain.  If people die, then formerly happy people will understand their pain, even if they are not alive to witness it.

I was a school psychologist serving a school about 10 miles from Columbine High School when it happened.  We immediately locked down the school because we didn’t know whether this was a wider terrorist attack.  In response the school system formed 2 committees of safety experts ( with no mental health representation) to study the issue.  The final recommendations were to lock the school doors – a policy in force at Sandy Hook.  At the time I pointed out that a gunman would just shoot the lock off, but nobody listened.  Meanwhile access to the building for recess etc was restricted.

So what do we do?  A comprehensive solution is needed to address:

1. Restrictions that should be placed on guns that shoot more than 6 rounds in rapid succession.
2. Media portrayal of violence including TV news, programming, and video games
3. Access to mental health care
4. Large scale training to help people constructively resolve conflicts.

What do you think?  How would you address this situation?

Will you encounter any conflict in your relationships over the holidays?

Would you like to talk so people listen and listen so people talk?

Would you like to zap conflict in your family now?

The 4 time award winning book, Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict will be officially launching Wednesday, Nov.14.  On that day only, you may purchase the dispute resolution book through

HTTP://DontCarveTheTurkey.com

 When you purchase this book to avoid family feuds on November 14, you can redeem up to 20 prizes worth over $2,200.  You can be interviewed on a radio show and get the MP3 recording of it for your own website. You can get a $100 gift certificate for custom art you commission, or a $1,000 discount off a presentation by the author. You could  receive free personal coaching, or free eBooks on parenting, marriage, stress management,  and resolving family clashes.  All this, but you must purchase, Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict on November 14, 2012.

HTTP://DontCarveTheTurkey.com

In this book, I demonstrate how one style of conflict resolution for all situations is no more appropriate that one style of clothing for all situations.  Just as you wouldn’t wear your wedding dress to work in the garden or a tux to work in the garage you must vary your conflict resolution styles depending on the type of clash you are in.  I give a step-by-step process for effectively presenting your case, and I deliver a framework for asking effective questions.  The book provides concrete examples on how to parent, and includes a chapter describing why disputes escalate during the teen years and what to do about them.  I get rave reviews from those who have read this book on family communication.

Check it out.  Do not delay.  Order it now at HTTP://DontCarveTheTurkey.com

The October 15, 2012 issue of Time magazine had an excellent, if somewhat disturbing, commentary on the ethics of the current presidential campaign titled, “Who is telling the truth?  The Fact Wars.”  In the article, Michael Scherer says,

“A recent poll by the Washington Post and ABC News found that 76% of Romney voters believe Obama is ‘intentionally misleading’ voters.  As it happened, the exact same share of Obama supporters believe Romney is ‘intentionally misleading.’  Only 17% of Romney voters and 12% of Obama voters were willing to say their own man had deceived.”

While Michael says that presidential deception goes back to 1796, it seems worse this year than any time I can remember.  As a Colorado resident I am in a battleground state where we are bombarded with ads “informing” us of their opponent’s lies.  While they don’t use the word “lie” that’s what they mean.  We don’t hear about what should be done to get us out of our messes.  We only hear sound bites of untrue phrases the opponent uttered.  Even if you listened to the debates, solutions were vague.  Romney will cut the budget but won’t say what he will cut until after the election. Romney will create new jobs, but doesn’t mention how many jobs will be lost when he cuts the budget.  And what is Obama’s vision for the next four years?  I don’t know.  I know he will improve unemployment by adding 100,000 math and science teachers, but what else?

What is even more disturbing is when misinformation is corrected, people who support that candidate are even MORE likely to believe the false information, while people who oppose the candidate accept the new reality generated by the correction.  Furthermore, those with more information are even more likely to be biased against the truth.  I suspect that those with more information have greater confidence in their distorted thinking.  We know from decision-making research that people’s confidence in their judgment has nothing to do with reality.  They can be 100% confident when their answer is wrong.

In case you believe that deception is only among politicians, or US citizens, consider David Halpern’s 2005 study that found that 34% of Americans believe that others can be trusted, while 68% of Scandinavians, and 18 % of Africans believe that others can be trusted.  With the well-publicized deception among politicians, it is a wonder that that people trust that much.

The Living Now Book  Awards just announced that Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict tied for the gold medal in the Family Parenting category.  This is the fourth book award, the book has won in 2012!  Other competitions the book won include:

The National Indie Excellence Award: Relationship category

The Sponsors Award: One of the top 8 books in all categories

The Global eBooks Award: Parenting Family Category.

It is truly gratifying that others are finding the guidance contained in this book to be an inspirational in their lives.  I hope this practical, common-sense approach will be as helpful to you as it has been for me.  May it help you to create the future you want!

Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw

I am excited and humbled to announce that last week my book, Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict won the Global eBook Awards in the Parenting/Family Nonfiction category. This is the third national or international book award the book has received in 2012.

As an expert in conflict resolution, I still found myself searching for better ways to handle conflict, particularly when my son was a teenager.  So I took a year to research the topic, finding subtle morsels of wisdom that might influence the outcome of important conversations.  I began to practice them, tentatively at first, and then more confidently.  I found that when I changed my approach, my discussion partner’s also changed even if they did not know the principles.

After the book was released, my twin brother raved about it.  But he asked, “How do I get my wife and daughter to read it?”  They were busy with other things.  I told him that it would be nice if they read it, but that he would see changes even if they did not read it as long as HE implemented the principles.  Why?  Because people respond to our communication style.  We cannot control them, but we can control ourselves.

When I present around the country, I frequently ask my audience to think of a time when someone gave them negative feedback and they left feeling good about it.  How does the good communicator present the information so they do not get defensive?  If your partner doesn’t get defensive, wouldn’t that change the whole discussion?

This book delivers powerful tips and procedures to deal with family conflict in an engaging, common sense, and often humorous way.  It considers 5 possible response styles, and when to use them.  It discusses how to talk so people will listen and listen so people will talk.  This includes strategies to make it safe for someone to really express what is on their mind.  The book also discusses the use of power; how you can gain power, and the impact if you abuse your power. Sometimes you may encounter stubborn people.  The book guides your responses to them.  It also enlightens us to the reasons conflict escalates during the teen years, and what to do about it.  Finally, things do not always go as we had planned.  Therefore, the book discusses effective apologies, and forgiveness.

To learn more about the book, or to order, click:

http://www.frameworks4learning.com/dont-carve-the-turkey-with-a-chainsaw.html

However, I think that a very real question should be “Why doesn’t this occur more often?”  We have known for 40-50 years that people will imitate what they see on TV and in the movies.  People who watch violence are more likely to engage in violence.  Does everyone who watches violence engage in violence?  No, it just increases the likelihood of violence occurring.  It is one component.

In order to light a fire you must have a source of heat, fuel, and oxygen.  If you take away any of these elements, there is no fire.  In order to have violent responses, you must have a person who believes that violence will either make the situation better or will vindicate some past hurt, who is motivated to act on those beliefs, and who has the ability and knowledge to carry out the plan.  Take away any one of those three components and violence will not occur.

Think of the TV shows and movies in the fifties.  How much violence did you see.  Think of the typical show now.  They teach that violence gets you what you want and they show you how to do it.  If you still don’t know how to do it, just check the internet for explicit instructions.  Who is really surprised that violence has increased?  Two of the three components are more accessible.

What about the third component?  In both Aurora and Columbine, the weapons were purchased legally.  They were readily available, so the third component was met; as long as they can hold a rifle, they have the ability.  With fast firing weapons, they don’t even need to know how to aim.  While the second amendment defends our right to bear arms, I truly do not understand how that applies to rapid firing  rifles.  Do we really believe that deer hunters are using them to kill their prey with 50 rounds?  I’d hate to clean that animal.  Do we really believe that we need rapid firing guns to protect our homes?  In case you miss the point, I once taught target shooting at a summer camp.  It can be a fun activity.  But our guns shot 1 bullet at a time, that required that the marksman actually take aim before they shoot.

I’d love to hear your feedback, as I suspect that everyone will not agree with me.

1. Be proactive: take initiative and responsibility
2. Begin with the end in mind: clarify your values and goals
3. Put first things first: prioritize
4. Think win/win: strive for mutually beneficial solutions
5. Seek first to understand then to be understood: listening to others first creates respect
6. Synergize: utilize people’s strengths to create great teamwork beyond what could be accomplished individually.
7. Sharpen the saw: balance and renew your resources.

I discuss numbers 4 and 5 in my book, Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict.  To create win/win solutions, you must understand your partner’s viewpoint.  Yet research show that most people only listen to their partner’s viewpoint 1% of the time.  Instead we listen only enough to defend our pre-established position.  Understanding your partner’s viewpoint requires good questioning and reflective listening.  How do you ask questions?  Does it come across as an interrogation or curious information seeking?  Once you understand their viewpoint you can present your own much more persuasively, because you can show how your needs and desires fit into their value system, so their needs also get met.

To review samples of my book go to http://www.frameworks4learning.com/dont-carve-the-turkey-with-a-chainsaw.html