Dr. Roger Frame, The Conflict Whisperer

Effective conflict resolution is really very similar to fly-fishing.  Think about the button-pushing children and adults who know just what to say or do to upset you.  They are like the fly-fisherman carefully selecting the best lure to hook you.  They have carefully chosen their words or deeds based on past experience.  They know where you are vulnerable and how you will react.  The more irresistible the lure is, the more likely you are to get hooked.  If you fall for it, you will end up sizzling in the skillet.

Good technique is important to the fly-fisherman.  YOU BEGIN BY DRAWING THE ROD BACK AWAY FROM YOUR TARGET, FOLLOWED BY A FORWARD THRUST.  A good communicator knows to learn about the other person’s interests before pushing your agenda.  If you pull away from your own desires long enough to listen and understand your partner’s interests, you will have a much more powerful cast to hit your mark and develop more satisfying relationships.  You will be more convincing because you can tie your needs to your partner’s interests.  However, you must also follow through and present your concerns or your needs will not be preserved.

The hook is also important.  If the hook, is too small, it will break and the fish will get away, just as someone who is not sufficiently assertive or lacks sufficient power will not attain their goal.  But if the hook is too large, the fish won’t bite, just as you tend to avoid coercive, punitive people.   It is amazing how small a hook is needed to land your fish when you attend to their interests.

Timing is crucial.  If you begin your forward arm movement too soon, you risk snapping the fly off the line.  But if you are too late, the fly rod loses power and the lure won’t reach its intended destination.  Similarly, if you respond too quickly, you are interrupting and the conversation get snapped off, but if you wait too long it appears that you are disinterested or inattentive and your conversation loses power.  Typically people wait about one second to respond.  This is like pulling the lure out of the water after one second.  It doesn’t give enough time for a thoughtful response.  Research shows that the quality and quantity of responses improves if we wait at least three to five seconds – and that can seem like eternity.

We must be brief.  In the river there is a brief period, as the lure drifts with the current and the line is slack, that the fish will be most interested.  Once the current pulls the line tight it is easier for the fish to tell that something is”fishy.”  In conflict, if you drone on and on, your partner will soon tune out.  While you need to leave your line in the water long enough to give reasons and hear your partner’s interests, don’t drone on.  Adolescents tell us that their parents lecture them too much.  Parents say the adolescents don’t listen.  They are both right because parents don’t keep their pitch brief.

So what should you do to improve your conflict resolution skills?  The Conflict Whisperer suggests:

• Learn what hooks you.  When you see it coming, smile, and let the current float the objectionable comment or action right on by.  Don’t bite the hook and end up in the skillet.”
• “ Use the smallest hook that will do the job.  Using excessive power will cause resentment, and backstabbing that will undermine your purpose.
• Perfect your timing.  Take the time to learn your partner’s interests, what they care about that is relevant to your situation, and then pitch your concerns in a way that addresses their interests.
• Give people sufficient time to respond with a thoughtful answer.  Wait five seconds before you respond.
• Be brief and don’t drone on and on repetitiously repeating yourself, or saying the same things over and over.

For a more extensive discussion of the fly-fishing/ conflict resolution connection check out Chapter 7 in The Conflict Whisperer’s book, Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict at:

http://www.frameworks4learning.com/dont-carve-the-turkey-with-a-chainsaw.html

Relationships thrive on sincere questions, but whither in the face of interrogating questions.  What is the difference?

Interrogating questions do no seek to clarify, they accuse.  They are frequently statements disguised as questions.Like a policeman confronting a criminal under the blazing lights, they are designed to extract an confession of misbehavior.  In response the accused will  respond defensively.

Sincere questions, however, seek to understand the other person’s perspective so that more responsible, sensitive behavior can develop in the future.  The questioner adopts a curious interest in what caused the person to respond as they did.  Instead of attacking, sincere questions are open-ended, and invite the person to elaborate on their response.  Therefore, the intonation may be crucial in determining if the question is interrogating or curious.  Here are some tips for asking effective questions.  They may be:

• Action questions that focus on what did or didn’t happen: I wonder what held you up?
• Interpretations questions that focus on terminology, quantity or assumptions
• What do you mean when you say I am uncooperative?
• When you say I am always late, do you mean that I have never arrived on time?
• Are you saying that I need to go to college to get a good job?
• Interference questions that seek to clarify underlying beliefs, attitudes, and intent.  They expose hidden agendas
• Do you believe I intended to hurt you?
• You say that you are not angry, but your voice is rising and you seem tense.  What are you really feeling?
• http://www.clipartillustration.com/clipart-illustration-orange-man-holding-question-mark
• Emotion Questions that clarify underlying feelings, and the intensity and duration of those feelings
• Are you scared that we won’t have enough money to pay the bills?
• How upset are you that I don’t want to go to your parents for Thanksgiving?
• How long have you felt that way?

• What did or did not happen? e.g. “Did you complete your homework?
• How did your arrive at your conclusion?
• Clarify terminology: e.g. “What do you mean by uncooperative?”
• Clarify quantity: e.g. “When you say I always come home late, do you mean that there are no times I have been home on time?”
• Clarify assumptions:  e.g. “From your perspective you you believe…?”
• Clarify hidden beliefs, attitudes, and intents.
• Clarify fundamental beliefs: e.g. “Do you believe women should stay home and care for children?”
• Clarify attitudes: e.g. “Do you believe I really don’t want to go to your mother’s house?”
• Clarify intent: e.g. “Do you believe I intended to hurt you?”
• Clarify body language:  E.G. you say you don’t care, but your voice is rising and you seem tense.  What are you really feeling?”
• Clarify emotions:
• Overt emotions: e.g. “Are you frustrated that I didn’t finish the project on time?”
• Underlying feelings: e.g.”Do you feel that I don’t care about completing the project on time?”
• Intensity: e.g. “How upset are you that I was late?”
• Duration: e.g. ” How long have you been upset that I didn’t want to go?”  ”Do you still feel that way?”

Frequently how you ask the question will be as important as what you said.  Do you sound accusing and judgmental, or do you have their best interests at heart?  As Teddy Roosevelt said, “People don’t care what you know until they know how much you care.”  Check out a more complete discussion in my book, Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict.

DCT frontcover PDF

Roger Frame, Ph.D.

The Conflict Whisperer

She points out that 46% of American workers say they have personally contended with workplace bullying in the past year and 13% suffer from it on a weekly basis! Wow! Since we know that bullying reduces productivity, and distracts not just the person being bullied, but also the bystanders, that is a lot of productivity down the drain.

So what do we do about it?

1. First, the staff must generate agreement on what behaviors constitute bullying. Most will agree that verbal and physical belittling would be bullying. What about exclusion, when a group of people systematically fail to include a person in important projects? Is cyberbullying included (using the internet to bully someone)? Where is the line drawn between constructive criticism and belittling? Is bantering the same as belittling? (I think bantering is joking where neither side takes offense, while belittling, the target leaves not feeling good about the interaction.) Is blaming bullying? What are appropriate ways to express frustration?

2. If blaming is inappropriate, what alternatives are there to blaming others? Generally, it is more productive to focus on the future, rather than blame the past. For example, instead of berating someone for a missed deadline, focus on what needs to be changed so the deadline is not missed next time.

3. What needs to happen so that staff feel safe to express their opinion without belittling comments or retribution? Procedural rules against put-downs may help, especially if they are enforced by everyone. When belittling occurs anyone can say, “I thought we agreed not to belittle others.”

4. When a pattern of bullying is observed, what procedure should the target follow to stop it? Ideally the target can discuss their concerns with the bully in private, but this is frequently unrealistic. The bully may be more powerful, and many victims are not sufficiently assertive to stand up to them. Should bystanders step in? When should HR become involved?

5.What are the consequences for bullying? Is this the same for everybody, or will star performers be granted greater leniency?

I hope these questions help to begin your quest to rid your workplace of bullying. I you would like further assistance please feel free to contact me at reframe@comcast.net.

A women, on the other hand, talks to discover how she is feeling. She talks to organize her thoughts. The conversation is a process that is as important as the end product. If she feels understood, she may not need to take further action to solve the problem. When she is upset she doesn’t withdraw. Rather she talks to explore and express her emotions.

This is similar to the Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus position. No wonder there are misunderstandings when men and women attempt to communicate! What do you think? Do you agree?

Check out the full discussion at

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/04/01/6-ways-men-and-women-communicate-differently/

The Conflict Whisperer

What about your organization?  Does blaming and bickering destroy the unity and teamwork you require?  If you focus on preventing similar problems in the future rather than blaming individuals for past mistakes, your team will thank you.  The harmony it creates makes an exciting work atmosphere, even if it makes for boring TV.

Contact the Conflict whisperer to discuss how to create harmony in your organization. http://www.frameworks4learning.com/contact-roger-frame-conflct-whisperer.html

http://www.linkedin.com/groupItem?view=&srchtype=discussedNews&gid=1401027&item=101504277&type=member&trk=eml-anet_dig-b_mc-ttl-cn&ut=1MNAn52lnuLR81

It is a good question because everyone wants a positive climate to live their lives, but for many, a safe space to live and work eludes them.  Judgmental colleagues and bosses inhibit honest expression of concerns.  Bullies and saboteurs wait to ambush them.  What can you do to make your living environment a safe place for honest expression?

In my book, Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict, I list nine strategies to promote emotional safety.

1. If possible, develop a positive supportive relationship before the conflict.
2. Express an interest in your partner.
3. Create trust.
4. Show positive intent.
5. Show respect.
6. Promote face-saving.
7. Acknowledge your own contribution to the problem.
8. Speak privately.
9. Attend to nonverbal communication.

Let’s look at each of these in more depth.

1. Develop a positive supportive relationship before the conflict.  Research shows that teachers who made an effort to establish a positive relationship with disruptive students, had less subsequent disruptive behavior.  I think that finding would also generalize to home and work settings as well.

2.   Express an interest in your partner.  Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care.”  Creating safety begins when you develop an environment where people feel valued, trusted, and supported.

3.   Create trust. In his book, The Speed of Trust, Stephen M.R. Covey lists 4 factors required to establish trust.

a.   Ability
b.   Integrity
c.   Intent
d.   Results  

4.   Show positive intent.  Efforts to resolve conflict often fail because of perceived hostile intent rather than incompatible differences.  The discrepant goals could have been resolved, but the involved parties believed that the other person was not bargaining in good faith, and only cared about themselves.  A dramatic shift in the tone of the conversation occurs when you stop trying to blame other people, or change their behavior, and instead try to understand and acknowledge their behavior.

5.   Show respect.  In their great book, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when stakes are high, Kerry, Patterson and his coauthors say, “…respect is like air.  If you take it away, it’s all people can think about.  The instant people perceive disrespect in a conversation, the interaction is no longer about the original purpose– it is now about defending dignity.”
6.   Promote face-saving. Frequently people find it difficult to adopt another position not because they disagree with it, but because it would make them look bad or foolish.  This can be avoided if even small efforts are made to help them defend their dignity.

7.  Acknowledge your own contribution to the problem.  Ironically, when we acknowledge our own contribution to the situation, the need for our partner to save face is reduced and they are more likely to trust us, and change.  But when we argue and blame them for the situation, they must defend their position.

8.  Speak in private.  When we criticize our opponent in front of others, their need to defend themselves will be greater because they must defend their dignity.  This shifts the focus of the conversation from the facts and solutions, and makes it more difficult to show that you care about them.

9.  Attend to nonverbal communication.  What we say may not be as important as how we say it.   Think about Dana Carvey, the Saturday Night Live “Church Lady.”  Do you remember how “she” would say, “Isn’t that special” in a sarcastic cutting way?  It had an entirely different meaning than if she had said it sincerely.

See Book excerpts at http://www.frameworks4learning.com/dont-carve-the-turkey-with-a-chainsaw.html

As the parent of a teen you may now have a different perspective.  You see challenges to your authority escalate.  Teens no longer view you as the guardian of truth.  They think for themselves, and sometimes their conclusions challenge your values as a parent. They also sometimes break your rules for the sole purpose of demonstrating their independence. That produces a power struggle in which the teens’ need to challenge authority clashes with your parental need for control.

Dealing with teenagers will be easier if we offer choices.  That’s right, giving them some control increases your control, and makes them less likely to rebel.  Instead of saying, “John mow the lawn right now!”  you might say, “John, the lawn needs to be mowed by Saturday night.  When can you get it done?”  Do you see how that is less confrontational, and shows more respect for them and their time?

Communication with teens can also be improved if you learn to not take conflict with them personally. Understand that teenagers’ complicated behavior is a part of the normal growth and maturation process will help us diffuse some of our own emotions and find a path to conflict resolution.  While we tend to view adolescents as more emotional than adults, the truth is that they don’t necessarily have excess emotions; they just lack the ability to regulate them. Generally speaking, teens are not totally mature, but they aren’t totally irresponsible either.  Their behavior varies depending on the situation. Even though their desires to take risks and seek stimulation begin increasing, their capacity to pay attention, set their priorities, and consider consequences develops more slowly.  In fact, it does not completely develop until their mid-twenties, when the frontal cortex of their brain is fully developed. The conflict emerges when we expect consistency from our teenagers and become upset when we don’t receive it.

It’s the day after Valentine’s Day, and all through the house

The romance has withered, because of that louse.

How could he have done that?  I haven’t a clue.

But it all done now, time to bid adieu.

Is it all over, without a chance?

Are the feeling gone, without romance?

Is there no hope for a better future?

Can the heart be mended without a suture?

What shall we do?  What does it matter?

Is it just words, and idle pratter?

How can we put Humpty back together again?

And tap the love that lies herein?

What can I say that will make amends?

What can I say that will make us friends?

Maybe I should listen instead of shout.

Maybe I should wait and hear him out.

Maybe I should try to understand

His point of view, rather than demand.

Maybe I should give reasons for what I say

So our time together will know a better day.

What’s the alternative, if I do not budge?

I could hold on to my anger, and hold a grudge.

Or I could offer forgiveness, acknowledge my sorrow

And pray for grace and a better tomorrow.

Roger Frame 2-15-2012

(“She” may be substituted for “He” if that is more meaningful to you.  There is no intention of gender bias.)

First, admit that there is a problem.  Then look at how each of you interprets the situation. The woman generally believes she is helping her man by reminding him, while he feels pressured to follow her plan on her time schedule. He resents it.  This can be reduced if the woman gives reasons why it is important to finish the task by a certain time.  Now it is no longer an arbitrary demand.  It is also helped if he gets real about how long it will take to accomplish the task.  I’m not talking about how long it will take if everything goes according to plan,  I’m talking about the real world where interruptions occur and unforeseen complications arise.  Early in my marriage I would promise to get things done by a certain time, but it always seemed to take longer than expected.  I soon learned to double my estimate, and she never seemed to get upset if I finished it early.

Another strategy to reduce the nagging is to allow the person doing the work to set the time when the work will be completed (within limits).  Instead of demanding that the room needs to be painted by next Sunday, ask when he can get the work done.  If there are reasons why it needs to be done within a certain deadline, include those reasons.

Then hold your tongue and agree not to nag until the selected date has passed.  Don’t be surprised if he pushes the limit.  As long as it is complete one second before the deadline, no nagging is permitted on that topic.  You may be biting your tongue so much you need to wrap it in gauze.  No nagging.

Finally,  address the underlying interpretations you are placing on the behavior.

I welcome your feedback on how these suggestions work for you.

Roger Frame, Ph.D.

The Conflict Whisperer