How can your reunions be happy like this?
How are your holiday reunions? Do you bring glad tidings of joy to your family relationships, or do you make Scrooge look like a joyrider? What about those other people. You know the ones. Those relatives who always disrupt the event. What can you do about them? When you attend family reunions do you fall right back into the behavior patterns of your childhood? Do ongoing parent and child relationships cause feuds and hostility in your family? I have a friend who wasn’t invited to the family reunion because her brother’s spouse was angry at her. If she came they would not attend. Others groan and describe their reunion as something to be endured. Does that sound familiar?
Each relationship is an interaction. If you want to change it, start by looking at what YOU can do. I know you are saying,”but they are the problem.” That may be true, but you have more control over your behavior than their behavior, what can you do to break the pattern? Assuming someone else is disruptive, you might begin by asking yourself:
- Why do they behave that way? What do they have to gain by their disruptive behavior?
- How should I present my concerns?
Why Do They Behave That Way?
When confronted with a threatening, obnoxious person, most people take it as a personal attack, and respond defensively. We need to defend our dignity. We tell ourselves that we shouldn’t have to take it. In response, we either counterattack, or ignore them and pretend they aren’t there.
Neither is likely to change the situation. Both will tend to escalate the conflict. Yes, ignoring them may cause them to escalate in order to get the attention they seek! So what do we do?
First, keep calm. Do not take their behavior personally. That’s easy to say, but in reality can be quite a challenge! I find it easier if I ask myself, “I wonder why an intelligent, reasonable, rational person would respond that way?” Now, instead of an attack, it becomes a detective game. Perhaps you were excluded from important family communications. Why would they do that? Maybe they hold a grudge for something you once said. Maybe their spouse dislikes you and they need to support their spouse. Perhaps they have low self-esteem and are trying to show how smart they are. Maybe they feel inadequate because you have been more successful than they are (however success is defined). Perhaps, they feel ignored and are seeking attention. What in the world would cause an intelligent, reasonable, rational person would respond that way? Notice I said an intelligent, reasonable rational person. Their behavior makes perfect sense to them. Once you understand what is behind their behavior, it becomes much easier to find a solution to it. So first, resist the temptation to defend yourself and judge them, and instead try to understand the cause of their outrage.
Maybe you are just an innocent bystander, but a dispute between others makes you uncomfortable. In this case, it is easier not to take it personally. However, you can help reduce future outbreaks, if you pull the person aside and ask, “I know this may be none of my business, but this dispute between you and ____ is affecting everybody. Can you help me understand what is going on?”
Presenting Your Case
If you want an animal to come out fighting, corner them and make them feel threatened. If you want them to calm down, they must feel safe. People feel safe when they believe that you have their best interests in mind. That may take time to develop. You may want to consider who has the best rapport with the person to raise your concerns. Whoever it is, begin with the facts. What happened, when, and where. We begin with facts because they are less controversial. Then give them an opportunity to explain. Really listen to their response like you really do care, and let them know you understand their position. That doesn’t mean you agree with their position, just that you understand it. Present your own concerns. Resist the temptation to accuse and blame. Instead, focus on the future. What behavior would you like to replace the objectionable behavior. Try to phrase it positively; what do you want to occur, rather than what you don’t want to occur. ”I want you to treat me with respect,” rather than “Don’t talk down at me.”
For more detailed information check out my book,Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict.
The Conflict Whisperer
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