For many people, it is extremely difficult to develop sufficient self-control to remain calm as the conflict escalates in ever increasing emotion and volume .  I learned some valuable lessons when I joined the Colorado Mountain Club and took fly fishing lessons.  I learned that certain flies will work with some fish and not others, and what works may vary depending on the time of  year and what type of bugs are normally in the area.  I learned that flies that don’t work early in the day may work later the same day as the water warms up.  I also learned how to cast my line to get the lure where the fish are likely to be.  Finally, I learned how to set the hook to reel them in.  As I listened to these instructions I couldn’t help but think that fly fishing is very similar to dealing with conflict. Button pushing children and adults know what kind of barb to throw, when, and where to get you to bite.  They know how to set the hook to pull you in and how to land you.  They know that if they toss the hook late in the day when you are tired, they will get a different response than when you are rested. 

Frequently, I see parents,  teachers and other adults “win” a conflict and get the child to comply with their request only to lose it as the child leaves muttering under their breath nasty things about them.  Of course, the child knows exactly which hook to throw and how to land them so the adult takes the hook and demands “What did you say!” and the conflict resumes. We see the same thing among friends and lovers who hurl insults at each other.  They know which insults will hurt the most.   They know just what intonation and nonverbal gestures will generate a strong reaction. They know that they can get to you more easily when you are tired.

Avoid Premature Judgments.   I also learned why fly fishermen generally fish in streams rather than lakes.  In streams the river current will quickly take the bait away so the fish only have a few seconds to examine the bait and decide whether or not to bite. On a lake however, the fish can take all the time they need to swim around the lure and examine it.  You too are more likely to get hooked when you are suddenly ambushed with unexpected demands.  But if you can back off and withhold judgment until you have had time to examine how your interests interact with those of your challenger, you will be less likely to get hooked. 

When you see yourself getting hooked into conflict, and feel the emotions rising, imagine that you are the fish, and they are the fisherman.  Recognize that if you take the bait, they win and you will soon be in the frying pan.  I find that when I can recognize the bait for what it is, I can relax, perhaps silently chuckle at the manipulation, and regain my self-control so that I remain calm.  And when I become calm, they also eventually calm down.  When that happens, the nature of the whole conversation shifts into dialog where both parties can listen to the others interests and concerns and develop win/win solutions.

Good luck avoiding the frying pan!