Here are two possible dialogs of a parent denying their teen’s request to go to a party at a friend’s house.  Which would be more productive? 

Parent A

Child:  “Why can’t I go to the party?  All the kids will be there”

Parent: “All the kids won’t be there because you won’t be there.”

C: “That’s not fair.  Give me one good reason why I can’t go.”

P “Because I said so”

C:”That is not a good reason, it’s unfair.”

P: “I’m the parent and I say you can’t go.”

C:”I’m going anyway and you can’t stop me.”

P: (Getting angry) You go, and you are in BIG trouble.”

C: “What are you going to do, put me in jail?”

Parent B:

C: “Why can’t I go to the party?  All the kids will be there”

P: “I can see that you might feel left out when many of your friends will be at the party.  Tell me why it is so important to be at this party.”  (Identify their feelings, solicit their interests, and reframe “all” to “many”)

C: “All the “IN” crowd will be there.  Besides, if I’m not there everyone will think I’m still a wus.”

P: “So you believe that if you don’t go to this party, your friends will reject you forever.”

C: “Not forever, but I need to be there.”

P: “Will the parents be home, and can I have their phone number?”

C: “I don’t know, but I don’t want you calling them to spy on me.”

P: “I am very concerned that there will be drinking and drugs at the party.  While I trust you, I don’t trust some of the other kids, and you can’t control what they will do.” (Give reasons)

C: “If I was going to drink or use drugs there would be plenty of opportunities at school, but you MAKE me go there.”

P: “I know you’ll be disappointed, but you can’t go.”

(C) Roger Frame, 2010